Denial is a hard thing, so I’ll admit it. The squirrel won.
All I wanted were a few pecans. I wouldn’t’ve been greedy. The squirrel could’ve had several pecans after I picked up several bushels, but instead, the squirrel got greedy. The impudent little creature!
Ever since moving, the pecan tree outside the back door has been growing pecans, and a lot of them! Mmmmm. I’ve been thinking about harvest day and fresh pecans, frozen pecans, and slap a cardiologist, pecan pie!!
Plus, they’re free in my backyard….unless you get technical and count mortgage interest, closing costs, property taxes, house insurance….but let’s not get technical. They’re free! I just love that word, free. Say it over and over and it puts a smile on your face – free, Free, FREE! See what I mean?
Anyway, I even stopped and looked at a pecan “picker upper” that has a big spring on the end of a handle so you don’t have to bend over to pick up the whopping big paper shell pecans. But it was $12.99, and that’s not free. I thought about mortgage interest, closing costs, property taxes, house insurance and decided bending over is good exercise anyway.
The pecan woes started one Saturday morning. I was having a cup of coffee under the pecan tree and noticed a squirrel in the yard. He walked by the pool and jumped up on the diving board. Honestly, it was kinda cute, at least then, and I hoped he’d go to the end and take a dive, but instead, he cautiously jumped down walking gingerly toward me, as if, as if he was stalking prey.
Hey, I’m just sitting under my own state tree of Texas, minding my own business, not bothering a soul, and then this little squirrel keeps getting closer and closer, like he was the Genghis Khan of the squirrel brigade about to attack!
I waved my arms and hollered like a gorilla to scare it off. Sure enough, he scampered up the wooden fence and scurried along the edge flipping his tail at me as he went.
Now I’ve seen squirrels twitch their tails before, but this was different. First of all, it wasn’t all bushy like other squirrels, especially the end that was a little bare. Second, it had attitude, a bad one, like it was mooning me in squirrel language, but since I speak Texan, not Squirrleans, I wasn’t completely sure.
But then the little imbecile turned around, flexed his tiny muscles and tried to stare me down from the top of the fence. The gauntlet had been thrown down! I fully understood that in Squirrleans, he’d just picked a fight. I wanted to scream and beat my chest saying, “Come on you buck tooth varmit! Come get a piece of this property!!”
And so, he did.
He resumed his stealthy creep on top of the fence and got closer inch by inch. I picked up a rock from the flower bed, threw it, and missed him as bad as a T-Baller throwing from outfield to home plate, but at least I hit the fence and scared it a little farther away.
After a few minutes, I got up and found the rock because I thought I was going to hit it with the lawnmower. When I did, the squirrel made a break for it. I felt quite manly for a second, until he made a dash on the opposite side of the yard, circled the pool and before I could get back, launched himself running full speed up the pecan tree.
The logical thing was to go get my shotgun and blast him to kingdom come, but I live in a well established neighborhood. There’s a lot of big oak trees, so there’s squirrels everywhere. Plus, I don’t think my city folk neighbors would take kindly if I started blasting shotgun pellets up in the sky that come down in their backyards and swimming pools.
I’m already the only one on the street who mows his own yard. In fact, a couple of days ago I was using a pole saw trimming tree branches in the front yard. Right after a limb fell on top of me that I thought was going to swing to the side, a retired neighbor lady came over, handed me a phone number and said I needed to call her “tree guy”, Rafael, who she said was really safe, fast and efficient. Psft! Whatever!
The squirrel started chattering on a high limb and went right up to a full green pecan pod, stripped it bare and begin eating my pecan pie. That did it! After I T-balled a few more rocks up in the tree, I went and got my raggedy 20 year old pellet gun.
I smiled as I scoped in on the fuzz ball and pulled the trigger. The pellet came out with a puff of air, made a hard veer to the left and hit the tree trunk. Men have more brain cells than squirrels, usually, so I compensated in the scope and aimed to the right. This time the pellet went ten feet in the air before falling to the ground. After that, it wouldn’t shoot at all.
Now the squirrel was chattering in the tree like he was king of the squirrels, lord of the pecans. He grabbed another green pod and started eating.
I put out a live trap, but that did no good. I kept watching through the week and the best I could tell is that all the other squirrels stayed clear of my prized pecans, except this non-fuzzy on the end of his tail squirrel!
One day this same squirrel was getting close to my tree again, so I let Prince, my oldest daughter’s useless, less than 5 pound, poop producer dog out. Prince, who’s kinda prissy anyway, just stood looking at the squirrel. You’d think he’d bark, growl or at least chase it away, but all he did was wag his tail wanting to play. Worthless dog!
I finally put the live trap up because one afternoon when I got home, the squirrel was sitting on top of it eating a green pecan. I didn’t even bother throwing a rock because he’d just look at me while nibbling away, like he knew I wouldn’t hit him, and besides, my shoulder was about thrown out anyway.
About a week later, I got really hot under the collar. I opened the back door and scattered all over the concrete were remnants of pecan shells. They were everywhere! When I walked outside there was a crunch with each step and way up high on a limb was that same bloomin’ squirrel!
I threw a rock and actually got close for once, but the squirrel leaped from the branch, landed on the roof, scampered on to the other side and then jumped from the roof onto a tree branch in the front yard.
That’s when I went into denial. I just pretended like he wasn’t there and, any how, there was just no way one squirrel could eat a whole bumper crop of pecans. I’m ashamed now, but yes, I gave up.
The other day though I smiled when I found the first full shell of a big beautiful pecan on the ground! I cracked it open, but it was faulty. I looked for more on the ground but that was it, except for hundreds of pieces of small, broken, chewed up pecan shells on the ground.
When I looked up, there were none, absolutely zero pecans, ripe or otherwise, left up in my, not the squirrel’s, but MY pecan tree! The squirrel with no fuzz on the end of its tail was noticeably bigger and fatter and had gotten every, last, single, o.n.e!
No fresh pecans. No frozen pecans. No pecan pie! Boo! Hiss! Cry!
Now I’m on a mission. Kill Squirrelly! And that squirrel WILL die, in the name of justice and vengeance, or more than likely, by natural causes, but it will die.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter. No, not at all. The squirrel was just doing what squirrels do.
Besides, I would never sink to the level or become so obsessed that I would let losing a few pecans distort or cloud my judgment.
But the pecan tree? I’m gonna cut it down! If I can’t have pecans, at least that stupid, despicable, mangy tailed, tree climbing, pecan stealing, good for nothing, evil, nasty little rodent won’t get any either!
RabBits 
I’ll be back, CANNOT GET THROUGH IT!!!!! LOL!!!! You are so dat-gum funny, I cannot stand it!!!!!!!!!!!! God Bless, SR
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No chopping down a perfectly good pecan tree. We’re both in Texas and my son is pretty good at shooting, let him come take care of that squirrel for you!
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Lol….have gun, will travel!! And I wouldn’t cut down our state tree just to spite a squirrel….probably….maybe….
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Hehehe
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You described that squirrel exactly right. LOL only it isn’t funny when it is happening to you. We have our battles every year. Thanks enjoyed reading it.
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Thank you, Margie. Good luck in your squirrel war!
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Too funny. My husband had a battle with a squirrel too, only it was a battle over the bird feeder. The squirrel kept eating all the birds’ food. The critter almost won too, but eventually my husband won the war by putting a baffle up high. It’s unsightly, but it works!
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Oh Carrie, I feel your husband’s pain!! There’s probably far more squirrels attacking bird feeders and sitting there eating like they are at all you can eat buffets than those that attack pecan trees!! And a baffle is a great idea!!
Sally Struthers should have a TV commercial with soft, sad music playing and show videos of starving birds across the country while the fat, greedy squirrels are eating the food intended for the birds!!
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Oh, you are absolutely hilarious! This should be syndicated as a newspaper column! Excellent post. Love it!
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Lynn, I think I see a painting for you… a nice, peaceful, tranquil house in the country….over run by a pack of wild squirrels!! It could be like the Alfred Hitchcock movie,The Birds, except….squirrels. (I look forward to seeing that painting!!)
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Ha, ha! Very funny, Jeff. 😉
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This is so funny and it took me hours to come back, bc I could not stop thinking about it this afternoon and just kept laughing!
Animals I do not think are your forte’ to say the least! LOL! To let a little squirrel out whit you………….. hmmmmmm, LOL!
I love watching the squirrels in my yard when they begin to bury their food. They are so good at it!!!!!!!!!! I never have to worry about them at all with my pecans, as my dogs crack and eat them from the moment they begin to fall. I never get any and a pecan with dog pee on it, does not seem that tasty to me.
None the less you and your animal stories are some of my favorites if not my favorites. I just wish when I begin to read them, I could get past the second paragraph!!! LOL! You actually make tears ROLL down my face and I cannot quit and then I cannot see to read anymore.
Of course my support goes to the squirrel! He was doing what came natural to him, and laughing at you while he was doing it! LOL! Teach you to mess with something a foot long and six inches high! Loved it! God Bless, SR
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SR,
I once read that there are more trees planted by squirrels accidentally than any other creature because they forget where they hid their nuts. Instead of forgetting, I’d rather think think they have been hit by a car, or eaten by a Great Dane, but that’s just me… 🙂
And a pecan eating dogs? They must have been dropped on their heads when they were puppies! Lol. You know you’re supposed to feed your dogs, right? 😉
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LOL!!! LOL!!!! LOL!!!!
Yes my dogs do eat them and it amazing to watch them crack them and dig the pecan out of the shell. I know, maybe it is bc I am starving them to death! Ha!
I am going to talk to my squirrels and ask them to get the message to yours that if they ever see a Great Dane, to run to the hills! Maybe they have kin folk around here.
But whatever you have a great day and how I always enjoy the smile you place on my face and the laughter in my heart. God bless, SR
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i hear you. Down on the coast they eat everything,including almost ripe plump green figs .Grrr!
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Very funny post, and once again, your blog brings me validation! I too am convinced that we are superior to squirrels and woodpeckers intent on destroying our trees and property, having spent years plotting and planning against them. I hope you follow up with another post some day if and when your pecan tree replenishes. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
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Des,
Squirrels also love the peach, plum and pear trees, even the fig bush is at risk! It’s all out war on the critters out there intent on destroying the very order of our universe! Good luck in your never ending battle!!
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The ingenuity and persistence of squirrels deserves some respect I think . We have a bird feeder outside our kitchen and we have wrapped the pole with metal sheeting and that has deterred all the squirrels but one. One little fellow still manages to get up it. He takes a run at it and leaps as high up as he can and then drags himself up to the feeder. He is determined you have to give him that. He throws down a lot of the seed from the feeder. This got me to thinking that he was actually paid by the doves to do this as they are too big for the feeder and have to pick up what is dropped on the ground. The squirrel now supplies them with ample pickings. Anyway…don’t; shoot the squirrel. You would regret it and not be able to enjoy the pecans and besides that there are more squirrels where he came from!
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Anne,
There is an animal kingdom conspiracy, (probably led by the horses) 😊 …so it doesn’t surprise me that the symbol of peace and love, doves, have teamed up with the wily likes of your determined squirrel! Squirrels really are some persistent creatures!!
And since you are a very kind-hearted person…about shooting squirrels…I plead the 5th Amendment… 😉
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I am kind hearted but i have put an end to mice rats and other vermin. I just suspect that your pecan thief may have friends and co-conspirators and putting an end to him may not save the pecans. And yes there is a conspiracy! No doubt about it.
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Great story that had me laughing out loud. Squirrels are sure industrious and are a great source of entertainment for our dogs. We have several squirrels that I am sure claim our yard as home because we tend not to be there too often. They get rather indignant when the dogs come racing out of the garage in search of some squirrelly prey. They have a merry time, and we enjoy watching it all unfold.
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Squirrels are very industrious, Victoria! And it seems that some squirrels just try and bait dogs in a yard to chase them up a tree just high enough up so the dog can’t get them! It is entertaining to watch!!
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You are correct in that statement. I once had a great dog that loved to chase squirrels. We had a big tree in the middle of our backyard and Jazz would chase this one squirrel up the tree. But, this squirrel was smart. It would go up the tree just out of Jazzy’s Reach and then sit there and chatter away at her, it was like the squirrel was laughing at Jazz and took great merriment at watching her circle the tree and jump in an attempt to to reach the squirrel! I used to watch this scenario play out day after day!
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Lol…and that just drove Jazz absolutely bonkers!!
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I have to tell you, I laughed and laughed. Because coming from Southern CA, we didn’t see a bunch of squirrels. However, moving to Bend, OR – we have volcanic rocks in our back yard. A wall of them…and the marmots have burrows in between the rocks. And the other day, we’ve been going back-n-forth on this winter/spring/winter/spring deal. So Marmots are out and then they are back in…well, the other day, my husband yells at me to come look out our bedroom window (that faces the back yard) – “It’s a varmint party” – we had about 6 squirrels running amok and couple/few Marmots. The Marmots were sunning themselves and blending in with the rocks. Two squirrels were very noticeable, because they were fighting on the rocks, falling between crevices and leaping back out. One squirrel, was busy digging in the dirt (we just moved in, no grass…what could he be eating…goodies he had hidden before hibernation?) Then another squirrel comes down and tries to sample some of the dirt and those two fight. We looked at each other, and said “what is going on?” That was yesterday when it was sunny. Today is cloudy and a little snowy, and none are out.
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Lol…your backyard sounds like a crazy day zoo! And I love the line, “It’s a varmint party!” But I had to look up marmot to make sure I knew exactly what they are. And now I am thankful. We don’t have that furry ground rodent right here in our varmint family! Hope you throw out some corn this spring just to see if a Hatfield and McCoy varmint gangster war starts!!
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Well, I don’t want the “word getting out” and more friends coming for a feast.
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True. Just put up a flashing neon sign in your backyard — Sandi’s All You Can Eat Rodent Diner. That will keep the varmint party going!
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Yes, indeeed Jeff, those little critters are quite good at stealing OUR nuts, leaving only the bad ones behind — funny how they can spot them without having to crack them open, heh? We have a cute couple of red squirrels in our yard. I only really noticed them last fall, as up until them they used to avoid getting too close to the house… But after a very cold spell in spring a lot of fruit got spoiled and food was scarce for them last year. So I forgave them for taking away most of my breakfast walnut crop! Our French squirrels are smaller than their American cousins, and sometimes get killed by cats… How about you rent a lynx from the local zoo?
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Then you know exactly how it feels….except you had a very kind, understanding, giving, sharing attitude about it! Uh, huh. Make me feel mean, selfish and greedy why don’t you!! 😉 😁
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