Cats, Family, Humor, story

The Catastrophic Failure of Cats

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After God made creation, He had Adam name it all, with a tad bit of direction.

“Adam, what do you want to call this animal?” God asked.

“Brown with two long arms, eats bananas and swings from trees. How about, Monkey?!” Adam proposed.

“That’s great, Adam! How about this one?”

“Uh, grey, big, long trunk….OK. Republican!” Adam said.

“Mmm, that doesn’t really fit” God mused.

“Alright God. Let’s say Elephant then!” Adam answered.

“Super!” God said. “How about this one?”

“Well, it eats green grass, gives white milk and makes brown fertilizer…..hmm, uhh. Holy cow! God, this is hard! No, wait! That’s it. That’s it! Let’s call it Cow!”

God smiled in satisfaction as Adam named each animal, but then he held up a furry, four-legged, purring, uppity little creature, and for the rib of him, Adam just couldn’t figure out a name.

“What’s it supposed to do, God?”

God smiled mischievously and said, “Nothing. It was my first creation, an experiment really. I considered it a catastrophic failure, but I left it in creation just to drive men crazy!”

“Catastrophic failure? Hmm. Then we’ll call it, Satan!” Adam answered.

“Good idea, but that name’s already taken” God said.

“OK”. Adam rubbed his chin and pondered, “Then let’s shorten catastrophic failure and call it, Cat”.

Cats!

Adam wasn’t the only Bible guy who had to deal with cats. When Moses had his arms up in the air parting the Red Sea to let the people escape Pharaoh, a cat started rubbing against Moses’ leg driving him crazy.  Moses swung his staff down at the cat and a thousand people got wet from that momentary burst of water. Theologians may disagree, but if you look hard enough, I’m pretty sure you’ll find that in the fine print of the Dead Sea Scrolls.

I have a sneaking suspicion Noah tried to “forget” to take cats on board the ark, at least until God fussed at him about it.  I’m pretty sure I read that in the Bible, at least in some version.  Maybe it was in my favorite version, the children’s picture Bible?

Catastrophic Failure of Cats story

And when Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were thrown into the fiery furnace, the Bible says the men who threw them in all died from the heat of the flames. Well, I bet you anything they died from the heat after tripping over all the cats sitting around the hot fire!

And think about this!  Who could doubt that Joseph didn’t have to whack a barn cat or two to keep one from curling up next to Baby Jesus in the manger? Makes sense, right?

Even Disney made a cartoon movie called, All Dogs Go to Heaven.  Have you ever heard of a cat going to heaven?  Nope! No way!  You know why?  Cause cats don’t go to heaven! I read that in the Bible too in the book of Cats. No wait! I misread that….it was the book of Acts.

Anway, cats like to curl up next to the hottest things they can find, like they’re preparing for where they’re gonna go!  And get out your air conditioner because it’s not heaven!

It’s not that I dislike all cats. Not at all.  We have Carl, The Cat and most of the time, some of the time, every great once in a while, I truly love our cat, Carl!  (In all seriousness, Carl is my favorite cat, ever, but there’s a man card image to maintain. 😉 )

But even so, did you know you can even get “cat scratch fever” from the hairy vermin?  And cats, especially black ones, are associated with bad luck if they cross your path! They’re even the animal of choice for Halloween! Have you ever seen a witch with a pet dog? No! It’s a cat! Always a detestable, deplorable, despicable cat!

Catastrophic Failure story

Instead, cats have nine lives. And truth be told, the four-legged, allergen producing semi-animals spend most of those nine lives meowing outside a window to come in, and the rest hacking up fur balls!

It’s easier to understand why God created jellyfish, poison ivy and Castor Oil than it is to understand why He made cats! Go figure!  Unless you like Chinese food, what possible value do cats have?

Dogs like Lassie, Benji, Old Yeller, Rin Tin Tin, Beethoven, now those are classy animals! That’s what legends are made of!

But what famous felines are there? Garfield? A lazy narcissist! Sylvester? Dimwit can’t even catch baby bird!  Mr. Mistoffelees? Creeper!!  Felix? Gimme a break! Pink Panther? First of all, he’s technically not a cat. Second, if pink is in your name, then there are problems, not the least of which he doesn’t know whether to use the male or female litter box!

It’s alright to freely and openly admit it. Cats just don’t have it!  Dogs? Dogs do!! Not cats.Catastrophic Failure of CatsSo, let that ease your conscience the next time you fire up your vehicle and didn’t know (wink, wink) that the neighbor’s cat was underneath your hood nestled against the hot motor and radiator fan!

It’s OK. Really!  After all, it was just a catastrophic failure to start with.

24 thoughts on “The Catastrophic Failure of Cats”

  2. Hmmm….I am not a crazy cat lady but we have looked after my daughter’s cat on a few occasions and I have to tell you he has outsmarted our dogs….hands down… every time. I think cats cannot be underestimated. And have you read “A Street Cat Named Bob” by James Bowen. True story and not just a “cute” cat story for kids. Give it a read. It may change your mind about cats and how they have been “sent” to deliver certain humans.

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    1. Anne, I will have find that book. We have a big orange male cat that sometimes I love, and sometimes, not so love! And yes, what drives the dogs crazy is how cool and laid back a cat can make it look like!

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  3. Despite how uppity and indifferent cats can be, I still love them to pieces. Unfortunately, we can’t have any because my husband is really allergic. To dogs too, sadly. But my mom has a cat (named Diva, which is very, very fitting), and I get to see that haughty beast every time I go to New Hampshire. 😁

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    1. We actually have a big ole cat named Carl. He can be the best, every once in a while, or the worst at other times! I’m sure northern cats from Ohio and New Hampshire are much more refined and dignified than the southern gopher hunting, bid catching, cats

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  6. Very humorous, Jeff… especially since I’m allergic to cats and the darn creatures always gravitate to me in any crowd! So aggravating! 😉 By the way, did you know that the Egyptians once worshiped cats? I had a Bible prof who used to say that’s why their empire fell. Ha! He disliked cats. Ha, ha! Very tongue-in-cheek, funny post, Jeff! 😀

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  8. I am no cat fan (I’m allergic to dogs as well, admittedly), but learned recently from a friend (who has family in more rural parts) that apparently there are outdoor cats that actually hunt mice and keep the vermin population at bay.

    Not sure what the city-fied cats do, though.

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    1. Lol! Yes there are. We have Carl, who when he gets bored, will sit for hours stalking and hunting gophers, squirrels, and anything else that crawls. He prefers, however, a big bowl of cat food there for his idle pleasure.

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    1. Lol. Yep! My favorite cat ever is our big orange, cat, Carl. Even so, he poohed on the door mat last night in the garage. Janet stepped in it this morning. Carl may be up for adoption soon if you’re looking!

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  10. I like all animals, even cats (at least that was the case before we acquired our current cat, Molly), so I’m not sure if I should “like” this post!😉 But, because I found it quite amusing, I’ll give you a “like” for your efforts 😂 😜

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