Two of the worst nights of the year are Homecoming and Prom, and Saturday night was Prom. Some people may think that’s an odd thing to say, but to dads of teenage daughters, they get it in spades.
It’s just a snapshot of the future, way, way off in the future hopefully, when a dad has to walk his daughter down the aisle. They’ll be radiant in white flowing gowns, smiling all the way, but the dad walks beside them white faced, grimacing, needing Pepto-Bismol and anti-depressants!
A daughter’s “happiest day ever” is like the most dreaded day to most dads. It’s like taking a rare, precious, porcelain doll worth millions of dollars and handing it over to a gorilla!
It’s not that way for dads when their sons get married, or go to Homecoming or Prom for that matter. In fact, I am thoroughly blessed to have three wonderful daughter-in-laws! Three of the happiest days of my life were when my oldest three sons were married. You don’t lose a son when they get married, you gain a daughter!
But on the other hand, when a daughter gets married, all you get in return is some belching, scratching, hairy, gaseous guy. That’s not a good trade!!
And it all starts on nights like Prom and Homecoming, which really, is just a precursor to the sad, sad day of losing a daughter. They walk out the door dressed up in crazy expensive gowns they’ll only wear once, painted nails, jewelry, make up, high dollar shoes — it’s all just a practice run for a wedding day. That’s depressing!!
I’m holding out that the rest of my daughters will get married in their early forties. By that time, I may not even remember what’s going on. I’ll just be sitting in some chair oblivious to reality, chewing something that’s not even in my mouth with a set of perfectly good dentures in a glass of water beside me!
To make it happen, I have wondered, pondered and conjured until my thinker is sore. The solution seems pretty simple! Here’s the plan — No guys, no dates. No dates, no prom or homecoming. No prom or homecoming, no marriage. No marriage, no expensive wedding I pay for!!!
I like it. I like it a lot! No, I LOVE IT!!
So now, all I need to do is come up with a simple plan to keep boys away. And for the record, “boy” includes any male child who ever waddled in the church nursery with one of my daughters to any boy of any age who knows her name, has sat near her in school, crossed her in the hallway, looked across a room or even once given one of my daughters a casual glance. Yeah, that’s pretty much all the wretched beings of our species!!
I’m thinking of starting a non-profit, 501c(3) organization for like-minded fathers. Maybe call it DADHAPPY – Dads Against Doing Homecoming And Prom Parties Yearly.
So, boys, (said in a low, raspy, threatening, Godfather sounding voice), you need to know that I, and all the other dads out there, we’re watching! You’ll never, ever even know when, or how, or where we may be. But we are there, watching. No, staring! Crazy eyed, whacked out on catnip and prunes staring!!
And just what might we do if you come around, young man? Hey, the initiation oath will include a commitment to serve 99 to life.…assuming they catch one of us…or they find you, what’s left anyway. Get my drift, young Jimmy Hoffa?
In the meantime, it’s probably a good time to sharpen knives and clean guns.
(Note: this is a satirical commentary only and certainly not to be considered a real, actual or implied threat to any young man who meets the above qualifications. I am truly not Mr. Hyde crazy! But to be on the safe side, don’t test it! Bruwhohahahahahaha!!!!!) 😉