Carl, the cat, did again.

A mama sparrow built a nest in the most unlikely place, in a flower arrangement hanging on our front door.  We didn’t even know a nest was there until I was going in the front door and the mama sparrow flew right at my face. That’ll make your ticker skip a beat!

I watched it several days and when the eggs hatched, she had a half a dozen naked chicks.  A few nights later, two of the grandkids spent the night with us and saw the now lightly feathered baby birds in the nest by porch light.

Carl, our big, orange, worthless cat must have been watching Mama fly back and forth. Or maybe he heard the chicks chirping, or figured out from the grandkid’s interest that there was something in that flower arrangement on the front door.

Regardless, the next morning my wife, Janet, heard the Mama sparrow feverishly chirping over and over.  She opened the front door with one of the grandsons in tow and the flowers were all on the porch by Carl.  All that was left of the baby birds was a little pile of bird feet and feathers while Carl scarfed down the last baby bird innards!  The grandson was horrified!!

Carl just looked up at them like they were interfering with Thanksgiving dinner!

Janet is a very sweet, kind, loving soul, but having her little grandson see the last of Carl’s baby bird soufflee and hearing the Mama bird crying over her lost chicks just crawled all over her mother side!  She did something very uncharacteristic, (although she’s seen me do it some, a couple of times, once).  She went to the kitchen for a pitcher full of water, and then doused Carl on the front porch.

Cats don’t like water. Carl HATES water! Psft, serves you right, Carl!  I just wish I could have seen it!!

Usually, I’m all by my lonesome griping about Carl.

A couple of weeks ago on my way out to work, I pushed the garage door button and heard Carl meow!  He’s not supposed to be in the garage!  I chased him out and then smelled something that wreaked of stinky badness, badness bad enough to gag you into gagginess!

I walked in a circle inside the garage looking for the stench.  When I got near the garage door again, I saw a trail around the garage coming from the bottom of my boot!  That blamed, moron cat used the door mat as his own personal Porta Potty.  I stepped right in it and tracked a giant pooh circle on the garage floor!

It took ten minutes to wash off my boots and spray out the garage. Carl made it smell like a Spam sandwich with fried rotten eggs on top!  All the while, the evil little feline just sat under my truck staring at me like I was his personal septic system!  Imbecile cat!

When I told Janet and my daughter that night, they thought that was the funniest thing ever. Well thanks a lot for all the non-support from those two! They had clean shoes!

But this time, Carl made them mad!  I felt bad for the birds, but to be honest, I was happy, happy, happy they were mad at that carnivore, baby bird killing Carl!

For the last week, I’ve just walked by Carl and smiled at him!  He glares back, like it’s my fault he ate the baby birds because I didn’t feed him enough. Well, he could have caught mice, rats, even a big juicy gopher, but noooo! He chose to eat baby birds.

I’m not going down for this, Carl, nor am I taking the rap on this one!  It’s you, Carl! It’s all on you, you feather belching flea bag!

Besides, when I did feed Carl a lot, he literally left me a gag gift on the door mat!  Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Now Carl thinks he needs to cool himself from the summer heat by sitting in the soft padded seat of my lawn mower!  Here’s a picture of him in my mower seat:

He just sat there, perfectly still, and we played the staring game until one of us blinked.  OK, so I blinked first, but still, I won the battle by chasing him out of my lawn mower seat!  When Carl starts helping to mow the yard, I might think about letting him lay in the seat, but not until then!

We have a blue bird house up in the tree and a humming-bird feeder out by the kitchen window.  If Carl catches a wild hair and catches one of those birds, Janet and my daughter are going to be even more ticked at Carl. I bet they’ll do more than douse him with water!  Maybe they’ll give him a bath in the washing machine, or even a swirly in the commode?  If they do, I’m just going to sit back and grin!

I’m ahead now, Carl!

I can just point and laugh!  Cause who’s the unbalanced, immature, nut case now, Carl?!! Yeah! It’s not me, Garfield breath!  Go chew on that bird wing a while, Carl!