Writer’s note! This is satirical and not intended to insult two particular groups, men or women.  OK, I guess this runs the risk to offend everybody, but still, it is written with a wink., smile and laugh. Any similarity to any person, past, present or future is strictly coincidental…

Two letters! That’s all. Man. Wo-man.  Same species, I think. But galaxies apart!

I’m in a chain email group with 6 or 7 high school buddies. When the first email starts, a series of rude comments and insults ensue, much to the delight of all!

When we actually see each other, the greetings among our guy friends includes a hand shake or a bear hug, seldom both.

Bear hugs, however, must be in accordance with the Guy Book of Rules.  Any violation of these imaginary rules results in loss of  “guy points”.  Multiple violations may result in permanent loss of the “man card”.

Rule 17 in the book, section 2, bullet 3, subset 4(a), clearly states that IF you hug a guy instead of shaking his hand, it’s very brief. I mean, break a china glass on the floor brief. And never, ever, ever more than a second.  In fact, prolonged hugs, according to subset 5(d), can result into a justified fist fight.

The rule book is also clear, depending on the size of the bellies, that you pat the other guy’s back or shoulders.  It’s kinda like swatting mosquitoes, or putting out a grass fire.  Any other hug between guys is just weird and totally out of compliance with Guy Book Rules.

The only rule exception is for football players suited up in full pads.  Don’t ask me to explain.  I can’t.  It’s just a rule that it’s OK for football players and coaches to slap each other’s behinds, but nobody else!

And if you swat a football player on the behind when he’s not in uniform, well again, this violation may result in a fist fight.

It’s also a rule that old guy friends follow a greeting with an insult or tacky comment about the other’s appearance, lack of intellect or any other obvious defect the other guy has.  Any other greeting is inadequate!

It goes:

“Hey man!”

“What’s up?”

(Handshake, or bear hug while beating each other’s backs, followed with insult.)

“Geez! Lay off the donuts, dude! I remember you back when you were skinny!”

(Insult must now be returned in the greeting.)

“Yeah. But I never remember you when you were skinny!”

For guys, this is a warm, well received and friendly greeting. It conveys warmth and acceptance in a non-warm, unaccepting way.

Women hear this greeting and gasp, claiming it rude, crude and generally insensitive.

Yep. That’s probably true, but mainly because women, except those who are MMA cage fighters, generally don’t relate like that.  They greet old friends totally different!

If women friends haven’t seen each other in ages (let’s stay with the flow and maybe say a high school reunion), then women will stress about seeing old friends from the day they get the invitation.

Before the class reunion, women start a diet, get their hair cut, fixed again, then re-fixed, shop for a new outfit and shoes, return to buy another outfit and two more pairs of shoes…..just in case.

Then, they pay someone to paint long white strips on the ends of their finger and toe nails, pluck their eye brows, and buy new makeup.

On reunion day, they see their old friends and say something like: “There you are!”, as if they are the ONLY one they were there to see.

The other woman calls out her name followed by, “Hi Sweetie!”

They rush toward each other like two puppies racing for a scrap of meat and immediately hug, but it’s no bear hug. Nope!  Frontal hug.  Leaning in with shoulders only, being careful not to mess up the other’s hair, and then an extended cheek to cheek embrace.

They pull apart, still facing, hold hands and bob their hands up and down like a kangaroo playing hopscotch on a trampoline.

“It’s soooo good to see youuuuuuu!” trying her best to sound sincere.

The other woman responds, “Oh girl! (pronounced g-u-r-l) You look soooo gooood!”

Now pay attention!  Because this is the big difference between men and women –

When a man insults his friend, he puts a little truth in it to make the insult more poignant.  Women, on the other hand, just bold face lie.

Even as a woman says, “You look exactly the same!”, what she’s really thinking is, “Good grief!! If she looked any older she’d belong in a morgue!”

And the other lady is thinking, “She looks like an overfed walrus in a tutu!”

They chit chat about their kids and family (which usually entails subtle efforts to one up the other’s kids), and what the other women are up to (particularly the ones not there) and then something irrelevant (like their favorite scent of shampoo).

Men start talking about sports, work or weather, with laughter and mild insults still flying.

Why do men and women greet each other differently?  I don’t know, but there really is a difference.  I’m pretty sure it has something to do with those two letters, ‘w’ and ‘o’.

And those letters have something to do with how they have fun differently too!  …To be continued… Click here to continue