Hallmark Holidays

It’s not right! Hallmark just makes up holidays to sell cards!

It’s like October 6. One one of my daughters posted on Facebook that it was National Transfer Money to Your Daughter Day.  Parents everywhere were requested to transfer money to their daughter’s account.

Psft!  That ain’t happening!  Not unless I go to the bank and got them each a nice, shiny new penny.

Besides, transferring money to your children has been around for years!!  It just goes by different names!  

It’s called child rearing, shoe buying, food, clothing, shelter, prom, cars, Happy Birthday, shoe buying, Merry Christmas, Easter, college, just because I love you day, and of course, shoe buying.

The last “official” day of National Transfer Money to Your Daughter Day is called probating the will.

Hallmark started this made up march to “holiday” madness!  Sneaky weasels!

Hallmark even has their own TV channel dedicated to tipping folks over the crazy edge.  Like this!  Did you know Hallmark shows Christmas movies in July?  July!!

It’s like they’re in cahoots with Hobby Lobby who puts out Christmas Trees in July! Hobby Lobby has these big slob guys sweating in the July heat putting up Christmas trees and packing fake snow around them.  Nothing says Merry Christmas like a pool party! 

Commercial break — I’m sorry, but I have to rant some more…I was thinking if I write this and you read it, then it’s like you’ve been my therapist, except, I don’t have to pay!  Thank you! “So how does that make you feel”, you ask?  

Well hold your glass of Milk of Magnesia, I’ll tell you!  It drives me barmy bonkers!  One flew over the cuckoo’s nest nuts!

The July Texas heat is hotter than Hades! But there goes Hallmark playing cold, snowy Christmas movies with skinny people chugging hot chocolate, binge eating sugar cookies, and never getting gas. 

The scarf wearing guys on the Hallmark channel don’t have real jobs.  They just go around shaking snow globes trying to figure out how the tree top angel broke a glass wing!!  

Well, vomit!

Once, just once, I want the scarf wearing guy with a full head of hair and a 3-day old beard that never grows nor gets shaved, just once I want one of those guys to step out in the street and get hit by a bus!  

Something!  Anything so it’s not the exact same story as the one before, and after!!

It’d even work if one of Santa’s reindeer lost a horseshoe in flight that fell down knocking the guy into next week! Maybe there could be a bitter class action lawsuit against Santa and the horseshoe manufacturer?

Or maybe someone could drop into a diabetic coma from living off of eggnog, ginger bread houses and candy canes? That would add variety. 

Instead, Hallmark movies are all the same! Unless you’re the busy, preoccupied boyfriend actor who gets the boot by the end of the show, the whole show is pixie dust and unicorns.

Janet loves When Calls the Heart on the Hallmark Channel.  Even the name is confusing though. When Calls the Heart sounds like a question, but they say it matter-of- factly, like a sentence.

What?? 

Anyway, I watched it with her for a while, but it’s ALL the same!  I’d end up on my iPad reading how rattlesnake bite poison slowly kills you, how to figure the number of ping pong balls a 747 jet can hold, or shopping on Ebay for bigfoot costumes. 

Finally, (spoiler alert here), in about the 23rd season, Jack, the Canadian, red jacket wearing Mountie dies!  Yessss!! Somebody finally bites the bullet on Hallmark!! 

Never mind they probably just wrote him off the show because of stalled contract negotiations. The dude dies on the show!  That even made me look up from my midget wrestling video.

Of course, it’s Hallmark so they don’t show it, and the details are vaguely soft, but still!  Somebody kicked the bucket!  Happy day, happy day! Somebody’s gonna see Jesus!!

But it’s still not enough for Hallmark. Nope. They single handedly have turned us into a weird, holiday celebrating people.

This post today, for instance, is on a number of honorary celebration days!! 

Like this, and this is 100% true – today is World Bipolar Day!  That makes me sad and lethargic, but I’ll get happy and energized this afternoon.

And it’s National Virtual Vacation Day too! Whoopty doo! That’s called daydreaming at work!

I kid you not!  Today is also National Little Red Wagon Day, National Pencil Day, and for all the narcissists, I Am In Control Day!

I really don’t get it, but it’s also National Turkey Neck Soup Day!  Let’s “gobble” that up!

If you ask me, this is a really, really big problem!!  

Call your congressmen! Start a holiday stress support group!  Maybe get Sally Struthers to do a $9.95 a monthly contribution commercial so we can help the holiday exhausted people across the globe!

In the meantime, I have to stop thinking about these holidays before this therapy session ends! 

Besides, it’s time to turn on midget wrestling again and place a bet for Knee Knocker to win the championship over Pip Squeak this year. Next year, Hallmark can make that a holiday too!!

18 thoughts on “Hallmark Holidays”

    1. Lol….the HOWEVERs of life are like double edged swords that can cut both ways! 🙂

      And secretly, I totally agree and understand what you’re saying!! There is something peaceful, even maturely innocent about Hallmark movies, that makes watching them feel “safe” and good….except for the conceited, overly busy boyfriend who gets dumped.

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  1. Hahahahaha! I think you forgot shoe buying? But I like Hallmark movies. They are slow and predictable and safe to watch when the grandkids are over and you’re all trying to fall asleep but they’re too interested in Peppa Pig to close their eyes. I’m not a fan of Christmas in July though. I’m with you there. I’ve never understood that concept. I think each season needs to be celebrated on its own merits and summer should be about the pool and watermelon and patriotic barbecues. As for the made up holidays… I ignore them blissfully until someone like you invaded my world with them,so thanks for that! ;). Have a great day, my friend. Everyday is New Opportunity Day, right?! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, the good thing is Hallmark, at least right now, is safe and predictable in an unpredictable world! Love “Everyday is New Opportunity Day”! As well as Grace Sets Me Free Day, Walking Solid on Shaky Ground Day, and This Isn’t My Final Home Day! Thanks for the insight!!!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! 🙂
      And yes, I too see the utility of Hallmark….it’s kind of like watching black white TV shows from years ago….they’re safe and stay inside the lines of right and goodness.

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  2. Confession. I’m still disappointed in the guy who played jack for not renewing his contract.
    Also, I love Hallmark, and I like to pretend the evil, sad, bad things of the world do not exist, when of course, they do.
    Every once in a while, all this repression gets to me and I have to face my problems and deal with my feelings. I had to do that today. It was exhausting, but I’m glad I did it.
    And you know what? It’s not fun dealing with problems. I’d rather watch a Hallmark movie. Hmmm maybe I will. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol!!! I totally understand that too, April!! In all honesty, it does give a safe place to land, at least in most Hallmark shows and movies. It is nice to see the positive things on Hallmark, and if you went back to the 1950’s and most of the 60’s TV shows, they were happy, positive and wholesome. Sounds like an Andy Griffith Show kind of evening!! 🙂

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