Two of the worst nights of the year are Homecoming and Prom, and Saturday night was Prom. Some people may think that’s an odd thing to say, but to dads of teenage daughters, they get it in spades.
It’s just a snapshot of the future, way, way off in the future hopefully, when a dad has to walk his daughter down the aisle. They’ll be radiant in white flowing gowns, smiling all the way, but the dad walks beside them white faced, grimacing, needing Pepto-Bismol and anti-depressants!
A daughter’s “happiest day ever” is like the most dreaded day to most dads. It’s like taking a rare, precious, porcelain doll worth millions of dollars and handing it over to a gorilla!
It’s not that way for dads when their sons get married, or go to Homecoming or Prom for that matter. In fact, I am thoroughly blessed to have three wonderful daughter-in-laws! Three of the happiest days of my life were when my oldest three sons were married. You don’t lose a son when they get married, you gain a daughter!
But on the other hand, when a daughter gets married, all you get in return is some belching, scratching, hairy, gaseous guy. That’s not a good trade!!
And it all starts on nights like Prom and Homecoming, which really, is just a precursor to the sad, sad day of losing a daughter. They walk out the door dressed up in crazy expensive gowns they’ll only wear once, painted nails, jewelry, make up, high dollar shoes — it’s all just a practice run for a wedding day. That’s depressing!!
I’m holding out that the rest of my daughters will get married in their early forties. By that time, I may not even remember what’s going on. I’ll just be sitting in some chair oblivious to reality, chewing something that’s not even in my mouth with a set of perfectly good dentures in a glass of water beside me!
To make it happen, I have wondered, pondered and conjured until my thinker is sore. The solution seems pretty simple! Here’s the plan — No guys, no dates. No dates, no prom or homecoming. No prom or homecoming, no marriage. No marriage, no expensive wedding I pay for!!!
I like it. I like it a lot! No, I LOVE IT!!
So now, all I need to do is come up with a simple plan to keep boys away. And for the record, “boy” includes any male child who ever waddled in the church nursery with one of my daughters to any boy of any age who knows her name, has sat near her in school, crossed her in the hallway, looked across a room or even once given one of my daughters a casual glance. Yeah, that’s pretty much all the wretched beings of our species!!
I’m thinking of starting a non-profit, 501c(3) organization for like-minded fathers. Maybe call it DADHAPPY – Dads Against Doing Homecoming And Prom Parties Yearly.
So, boys, (said in a low, raspy, threatening, Godfather sounding voice), you need to know that I, and all the other dads out there, we’re watching! You’ll never, ever even know when, or how, or where we may be. But we are there, watching. No, staring! Crazy eyed, whacked out on catnip and prunes staring!!
And just what might we do if you come around, young man? Hey, the initiation oath will include a commitment to serve 99 to life.…assuming they catch one of us…or they find you, what’s left anyway. Get my drift, young Jimmy Hoffa?
In the meantime, it’s probably a good time to sharpen knives and clean guns.
(Note: this is a satirical commentary only and certainly not to be considered a real, actual or implied threat to any young man who meets the above qualifications. I am truly not Mr. Hyde crazy! But to be on the safe side, don’t test it! Bruwhohahahahahaha!!!!!) 😉
RabBits 
Beautiful young ladies inside and out, raised right, will choose a good, godly, belching, scratching guys…be patient, dad… and please don’t start taking target practice on any of their dates! It will land you far, far way from them!
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Lol…yes, Meredith, that is very true!
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Don’t despair. My two daughters married wonderful men. We did not lose them. You never lose them. I just gained 4 wonderful grandchildren and two more from my son and his wife.
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Lol. Love that! You always see the positive in things!
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Hahahaa…you had me laughing! My kids aren’t that age yet, but I hold the same kind of thinking about my sons vs. my daughter (and now I have the notion of getting some belching, scratching, hairy guy 🙂 ).
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So glad there’s at least one mother who has the same thinking, Robyn!
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I don’t have daughters, but even if I did, I suppose it’s different for mothers. My brother, however, has two daughters, no sons, and he’s already been through the wedding thing twice, so I’m sure he knows exactly how you’ll feel when the time comes!
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Your brother probably felt like a gut hooked fish, Carrie! The silver lining of it all is the GRANDKIDS! Gotta love that part!
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Hilarious! Yes, we are protective of our children! And so, I think we can all relate to your very funny “confession.” Great post, Jeff, as always!!
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Thank you, Lynn. And yes, we all do want the best for our kids, in every way!
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You are making me VERY glad I only have a son! 😀 I hope he brings home a wonderful woman and not some gaseous belching one!
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Haha! I’m sure you will be OK Julie! She’ll have a halo and wings!
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many congrats on raising such a fine family 🙂
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Thank you so much! We are blessed!!
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Ha Ha Ha!! i remember all that. Well the proms part anyway. Our daughter is now 30 and is getting married, at our home, in August. I love the guy she is marrying but I will still be having a nervous breakdown about the whole wedding, the flowers, too many guests and we’ve hired a babysitter /lifeguard person to watch that smaller kids( like our Grandson) don’t fall into the pool. Oh and I enjoyed your post very much.
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May oldest son is 30 also…boy time goes by fast! You ought to go ahead and just spaz out now so when the wedding is here in a few minutes, you will cool as a cucumber! 😉 And I am like you too! The pool is always a concern with the grandkids!! Congratulations on your new family member to be!!
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Many thanks Jeff!😁
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Hahaha, you’re such a dad in the best possible way! 🙂 hope your daughters and their “dates” had the best time!
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Lol! Well thank you! I take that as a real compliment! And yes, they did have a great time!
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This had me dying in laughter. You sound just like my dad!!!
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Well, then Your dad and I would be good friends!
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😀 And I just looked at your site as well, my Albanian friend, and see that your last post was on prom outfits! Lol! Love it! Best wishes, and tell your dad he’s the man!!
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Thank you for checking my blog. I LOVE READING YOUR POSTS CAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME. I think I’m going to let my dad choose my prom outfit, mabye that will make him feel better 😂😂😂. Hopefully he doesn’t pick pajamas.
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Lol!! Let me help your dad — no make up…except one fake eye lash (you pick the eye), wet hair right out of the shower, no perfume, long sleeve turtle neck shirt, old warm up bottoms that have paint and bleach stains, one brown, one purple sock, and a pair of worn out work boots….that’s the look for my daughters!! I bet your dad will approve too!! 🙂
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I translated this to him in Albanian and he was like ” this guy gets me”. Honestly this is a great look. If someone appeared like this in a Gucci fashion show everyone would praise it. 😂😂😂
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Love it, Xhoana!! This is a universal language for fathers who love their children that transcends cultures, ages and time zones. Your father no doubt loves you dearly!
And from now on my fashion blogging, teenage, Albanian friend, I shall call you, Xhoana, Princess of Albania! (That has a nice ring to it!) 🙂 Please give my highest regards to your Dad!!
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Thank you for being so nice ❤❤❤. The blogging community needs more people like you. 😜 Your kids whether you have boys, girls or both are so lucky to have such a cool dad.
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😁You are very kind, Princess!
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