The Ire of Staying Healthy

My doctor told me during the exam it was time.

I took a deep breath.  I knew this day was coming.  I resolved then and there to cowboy up and get it done.

I’ve been flying under the radar for several years.  No problems. No issues. No medicine. Just the way it should be!

But this year, instead of the vampire nurse just draining a week’s worth of bone marrow work from my arm, the doctor tells me he wants to check out several other things.

First, a sleep apnea study — No problem. Sleep is my one of my natural talents!  Passed with flying colors!

Second, a stress test — It’s cool to see your heart pumping on the screen during the sonogram, but then they hook you up with more wires than an aircraft carrier and put  you on a treadmill.  It’d be easier if they could do that laid back in a recliner with a remote control in your hand. Instead, they start at a snail crawl, gradually increasing to running from a werewolf speed.  All the while, the monitor spits out more paper than a government bureaucrat.

The Ire of Staying Health

In the end, the heart doctor looked disappointed and said, “You’re perfectly normal. See you in five years.”

Well, golly gee Wally! Sorry to disappoint you! If business is that bad I can pass out your business cards at the local pizza buffet!

BUT, he did say I was “normal”!  I don’t hear that much, so thank you, Mr. Disappointed Heart Doctor needing another payment for your Mercedes.

I went back to my doctor with the results in hand and we reviewed blood work.  He was pleased with all the results, but still insinuated I should lose some weight. How rude!The Ire of Staying Healthy storyThen, he scribbled out one more test order.  My heart almost did stop! He wrote, “Colonoscopy”.

It’s one thing to sleep and get tested. It’s not even bad to walk and get tested, but getting Old Faithful tested while laying naked as a jaybird on a table, that ain’t right!!

The evening before you drink three bottles of magnesium citrate. The result is an intestinal tsunami!!  If I knew then what I know now, I’d just wire a TV in the bathroom! On top of it, I was afraid to go to sleep that night. I mean, what if I sneezed?

Janet drove me to the house of humiliation the next morning. I envied the other patients checking in – a knee surgery, a gall bladder removal, an old fellow getting his tonsils out.  Me? Discovering what it feels like to be Kermit the Frog or one of the other Muppets!

The lady checking me in was running behind (no pun intended).  She said the day before a colonoscopy was the worst part.  Easy for her to say.  She hadn’t sneezed.

I hoped I wouldn’t know anyone except the doctor, but when they finally called my name, the young nurse got excited and asked, “Are you Blake’s dad? You look just like him!”

I assured her my son actually looked like me. Then she told me how she loved my daughter-in-law, Ashley, and how she’s one of her best friends, and she knew everything going on with all the grandkids! She looked familiar because she’s been at ALL the grandkid birthday parties!

Well, isn’t that just peachy?!

On her way out, she handed me a hospital gown with no back.  A few minutes later my clothes, boots and dignity were all in a chair across the room. I had nothing on but a gown with no back, socks and a frown!

She came back in and told me everything that was going to happen, and how gas would be pumped into, well, you know.  She said the gas opens things up to give the camera room to look around.

It sounded like an episode of Star Trek where they got lost in a black hole with no way out!  And my doctor was about to go where no one had gone before!!

It got worse when I asked a stupid question! “Does your body just absorb the gas?”

She smiled slyly and said no. That’s when I realized that afterwards you sound like a motorcycle with no muffler.

I wanted to run, but it was too late. If I got up and ran out, I’d be mooning everyone. And anyway, it would be hard to run with both hands behind your back trying to hold the gown shut.

There’s probably some kind of backwards NCIS police lineup anyway where instead of looking at your face and horizontal smile, they ID your back and vertical grin.

I can just hear the nurse saying, “Umm, Officer, can you have #3 in the lineup turn sideways?  Ok. And now face the wall again?  Yep! No question! It was #3’s rear I saw running away!”

The Ire of Staying Healthy story

She put an IV in my hand, and then a very happy go lucky Anesthesiologist came in and said he was going to put me out like a light.  Thank you, Lord Jesus! That was the best news of the day! At least I wouldn’t remember what it feels like to be a Winnie the Pooh kite.

He didn’t tell me he was sticking anything in the IV, but the last thing I remember for sure was him telling me to lay on my side with my right leg over the left …

I do, kinda, remember … I think I remember … or maybe it was a dream … but I’m pretty sure I remember … talking to another nurse while laying on the bed like a drugged rhino …

… And I remember … or maybe it was a loose dream … when my doctor, a devout Christian, came in … he smiled … said, “You’ve got the ‘A-Team’ in here today” … in a jumbled state of consciousness … wondered if he was making a play on words … and somewhere … off in lala land … wished I had left him a safety sign from work back there that said, Exit Only … and everything … drifted … away …….

Butt finally, it was done.

I don’t remember this at all, but Janet said when I first woke up I asked the nurse if I could have some cans of anesthesia to take home with me. They didn’t give me any. No door prizes. Nothing!

I do remember being loopy, however, when my peeping Tom doctor came in and said everything looked great, which is a little disconcerting in a way.  He said there were no problems at all and I wouldn’t have to have my heinie in there again another colonoscopy for ten years!

Yes!! gwpogj

Note to self — Remember! Wear disguise to the next birthday party for one of the grandkids!


39 thoughts on “The Ire of Staying Healthy”

  1. Ha, yes, the dreaded black snake, but good on you for having it done. The screening is so important. The prep is often the worst part, it seems. And now you’re done and can breathe easy. Well, until the next screening…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m telling ya, you should write a book! I hate hospitals. That’s H A T E …. but if you were there with me, the only thing I would be worrying about is laughing and possibly loosing some body fluids … but I digress. Loved the post!

    Liked by 5 people

  3. Yes the colonoscopy is not so great especially the preparation day! However I have had over a dozen of them. The first one discovered I had rectal cancer. After a major surgery I had them every year for 13 years. Now I’m on a five year schedule. So as much as they may be a pain in the derriere they are a life saver. It saved my life! And this reminds me I’m due for one this year.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, Anne! That is amazing! That’s exactly why they do them!! Aren’t you glad they insist, even when you don’t want to!! After a dozen, your doctor should give you one free! Make your appointment tomorrow!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. How’d you that?

    You really are great at making awkward experiences sound very funny! You just gave me another stomach ache (for laughing too much) with this story.

    Great post! Funny story!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. 🤣 So, so funny! I’ve had a half dozen or more colonoscopies done (a family history of bowel cancer, plus I have a genetic disorder, Lynch syndrome, that makes me more likely to develop several different types of cancers) and I dread every one. The worst part, of course, is the prep! I’ve had it coming out both ends before because drinking all that salty liquid makes me nauseated. All my results have been fine so far, too—I’m glad yours were.
    Keep us laughing with the funny stories! They are great!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. 😁 Thanks, Mia! I’m sorry you have to have these regularly and to hear about Lynch Syndrome. I’m not familiar with it, but will look it up on line in a minute! Keep getting these done, my friend! May health, peace and healing rest upon you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have a post on it, if you’re interested… 😉


    1. Lol. Good, Matthew! Please keep up your excellent posts, and continue stay faithful to the Word as you stand in the gap as a pastor! When it seems darkest may be when you can help shine the most light!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You’re right about colonoscopies! The worst thing to have to go through. However, the prep is the worst part and then you don’t remember a thing after that! Glad you got an A+ and won’t have to return for 10 yrs! I also loved your little quote: “I’m not overweight! I’m famine prepared!” Too funny!! Thanks for the laughs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol! Glad you laughed…and it sounds like you know about these as pro! 😁 I hope for your sake this is not a regular routine for you, but they do catch a lot of problems early for a lot of people, so that is a good thing! Peace to you, Linda!


  7. The older we get the more challenging the visits to the doctor seem to get. It’s like taking your car in for a checkup after you’ve put a ton of miles on it. You just never know what to expect. I’m glad to hear everything turned out well. Keep the sense of humor. Laughter is the best medicine after all. Peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Ha this is great! I had a colonoscopy about 7 years ago to rule out some things. Everything came back fine but apparently I called the nurse the B word in recovery, which of course I dont remember. Oops. I’m just glad I was asleep and that I didnt know anyone there like you did! 😁

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Dear Brother Jeff,
    you are so good with words, describing the inside of your heart. This is the gift of God. Reading you post, I feel like I did my own colonoscopy. No need to go to the hospital anymore. Seriously… Hahah… Continue to write like this. You surely encourage many lonely fearful souls. It is healing! God bless you and your family!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. LOL! LOL! had to read this to my husband and we rolled. You know they have a test now that can be done with your DNA and if it comes back positive then a colonoscopy. Just poop on a towel, smear it and mail it.

    Intestinal tsunami and motorcycle without a muffler! LOL! I never laughed so hard in all of my life! I think your post are just what the doctor ordered for me and I did not have to stay on the toilet all night to get it done! Loved it! God Bless, SR

    Liked by 2 people

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