Category Archives: Humor

Careful What You Order

The purchasing agent at work, Lynn, scours sales ads for cheap coke deals, clips coupons and beats out other grocery shoppers for the first selection on canned soft drinks.

I don’t know this, but I suspect she’s probably a Black Friday beast shopper, the kind where two women wrestle in a store aisle over the last available Zappy Dappy Duck for kids.

Continue reading Careful What You Order

Insomnia

There’s usually no rhyme or reason when insomnia happens, except it’s at the most inconvenient times. I had a ton of work the next day and needed a good night’s sleep.

Even with the best of intentions, I didn’t hit the hay until Midnight.  What seemed like a couple minutes later, my eyes popped open in the middle of a dream about a dolphin living in our swimming pool.  The dolphin would jump and eat mosquitoes, which was good, but if you didn’t scratch its dorsal fin with a plastic back scratcher, it would bite your arm. 

I know! What kind of weirdo dream is that?

Squinting, it’s only 1:15 AM, so I roll over in bed.  Deep breath. Another, and another. Roll on the other side. Nothing.

I fluff up the pillow a little and lay comatose between sleep and awake.  A few minutes later I wake up again thinking it’s been hours. Ugh, uh. 1:35 AM. Continue reading Insomnia

A Little Privacy, Please!

Dad gummit, it’s just not right!

Recently, almost every day I go to the gym at lunch I end up complaining about a female attendant in the men’s locker room.

It’s frustrating! No. It’s way past that. It’s rocket blast to Mars more irritating!

There are other men who rush in, change like I do, exercise, change back, and hurry to get back to work during the lunch hour. It’s a cattle call time.

Yet that’s exactly when she puts out her little yellow sign saying a female attendant is cleaning the men’s locker room.

The first time I saw her in the locker room, I was already down to my red and green plaid boxers. Ain’t nobody but me needs to know I was in the Christmas spirit!

Continue reading A Little Privacy, Please!

Fun Never Sleeps

It’s every grandparent’s dream!

“Would y’all mind keeping the boys for the weekend while we go out of town?”

YES!

And so it came to be that two male fledglings stayed with PawPaw and JJ last weekend.  

Easton ages in for the Terrible Twos at 2 years 9 months, and Asher times in as a Light Weight at only 3 1/2 months old.

Janet likes babies, but they intimidate me like I was a lost kitten in the dog pound.  I like it when they can say what’s wrong, like Easton, so it was perfect! 

When my daughter and son-in-law dropped them off, they were semi-apologetic.  

“Hey! We’re no rookies! Besides, they’re both as laid back of kids that there are.” 

My son-in-law shook his head.  My daughter raised an eye brow with a smile, “Well, wait till nighttime”.

Psft! We got this!

Nighttime came.  

Easton laid down on a pallet in our room and was out like a light!    

Asher was in a pack-n-play.  He fell asleep right on que after his 8:30 PM bottle. 

Good grief! How much easier can it get? 

However, we should’ve gone to bed then, right then!  Instead, we laid down about 10:00ish.  

Continue reading Fun Never Sleeps

Stocks 101

The stock market is not my friend! An acquaintance, but not a friend!

Between my 401(k), IRA, Roth IRA, cash account, and 529 plan, my semi-rational thought process nose dives into a stellular black hole!

There’s a reason people say they “play the market”.  It’s gambling. That’s all! There’s just no cards, dice or poker chips with stocks!

Instead, there’s EPS (earnings per share), PE (price to earnings ratio), Non-GAAP (Non-Generally Accepted Accounting Principles), and the really big BS (Balance Sheets).

And for trading stocks there’s Limit Orders, Market Orders, Trailing Stop %, and Selling Short!

Selling short really confuses me! How do you buy something and only make money if the price goes down? Isn’t that like trying to gain weight by not eating for a week?

Some stocks pay dividends, but that’s like getting a small rebate from a kidnapper’s ransom! 

Besides, I think I’d make more money pitching quarters in a prison riot lockdown than “investing” in stocks.

In old times, they locked people in stocks as a torturing punishment! Psft! No wonder they call them stocks today!!  It’s just a voluntary financial torture!

My success is limited, still better than most financial advisors I know, but still, limited. At least when I first started “trading” stocks 27 years ago, I had beginners’ luck, albeit bad. 

I started managing a rollover account from a previous job during the “dot-com bubble”. 

Good grief! If you couldn’t make money during that time on dot-com stocks then you were a complete dimwit!   

My wit is dim.

I spent hours studying and researching stocks.  After days of contemplation, then, and only then, did I invest my rollover account into painstakingly chosen stocks.

I marvel at it today! It was incredible!!

After just one year of investing in stocks during a bull market while the dot-com bubble was in its peak, I was able to turn a healthy sum of money into a sixty percent loss for the year! A 60% loss!!

Weightwatchers can’t touch those numbers!!

That money would’ve had less risk if I bet it all on a race horse! I could’ve done better by blindly picking a horse number!

Yes please! I’d like to bet my entire retirement account on horse #13. And what’s the horse’s name? Fat Boy you say? OK, great!!

I should’ve stopped then.  Maybe just bury cash and coins in glass mason jars in the backyard.  Even if I forgot where half the jars were, I’d still be money ahead!  

I stuck with mutual funds for a while, which is kind of like burying retirement money in Wall Street’s backyard. 

At least the mutual funds I picked were kind of OK. Not great, but OK. Kind of.

Fast forward 27 years.

Now with my vast array of investment brilliance, I realized in March that the stock sell-off from the Chinese Corona Virus was an investment opportunity. A big one!

So I started tapping into my online stock accounts.  I have stocks of some solid companies. Unfortunately, they all dropped like an apple on Isaac Newton’s head as soon as I hit the buy button!

Like one stock, it was a great deal at a measly $17.91 per share! I bought 200 shares on my iPad 2 ½ years ago while in the hospital waiting room waiting for one of my grandsons to be born.    

It’s fallen ever since!  I looked a minute ago. It’s a whopping $2.89 a share today, but as low as $1.61 earlier this year. 

I’m sure they say in Investing for Dummies 101 (a book I really need to read) that what goes up fast in the stock market can come down fast too. But what if everything you buy goes down fast?

Maybe I can sell my stock experience and knowledge to make money? 

I’ve lost money in the market, and if I carried a briefcase, then I could claim to be an expert!

Anyway, my strategy and advice would be super easy.  Whatever stocks I buy, you buy and sell them short! 

You’re guaranteed to make a killing!!

Need more advice?

Call 1-800-Rabbit trails. For a small fee, payable in three low monthly payments plus shipping and handling, I’ll let you know what NOT to buy!

In the meantime, diversify!!

Bury half your money in the backyard. Put the rest on Fat Boy, horse #13!

Corona Church

Life has temporarily changed. Pandemic. The world’s partially shut down because of the Chinese coronavirus.

Like this: we went to church Sunday, online!  We logged in on my iPad to watch Facebook live!  And no one else can see you.  If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have brushed my teeth or clipped my nails!

The first minutes are great, the kid’s part!  I understand that part, kind of a milk of the Word thing, ya know?

So I’m slurping on my spiritual glass of Borden’s watching the children’s minister when all the sudden a little angry face icon 😡 floats up the side of the screen!  That’s rude! It’s the kid’s part of the service for crying out loud!

Then there was another angry face, and another! It was terrible! I felt a self-righteous indignation!

But then I realized I was holding the IPad with my right hand at the bottom with my thumb on the angry face.  Every time I moved, my thumb pushed an angry face! Continue reading Corona Church

The Odds Are

“I think this trip is worthy of one of those Facebook story thingies you do!” one of my sons, Kyle said.  He’s technically a son-in-law, but more so, a son.

Another son, Todd, immediately added, “Yeah, I’m going to read one of your Facebook thingies at your funeral!”

Love was in the air.

My oldest son, Blake, was driving their family mini-van, and my other four sons were piled in seats behind us.

I didn’t know where we were going. In a group text, they asked if I wanted to do something, and then they all quickly chimed in that they were all “in”.

Experience told me to be cautious, especially with their secrecy.  Usually their schemes involve something dangerous, humiliating or involving a wild animal.

Not this time. We were already driving 1 ½ hours to Shreveport, Louisiana when they told me they were taking me to a casino.

I rolled my eyes.

The Odds Are story

I really don’t gamble.  Money equals time worked, and I try not to throw time away.

Once, years ago, I put a quarter in a slot machine and pulled the lever just to say I’d done it. I lost that quarter. I’ve missed it ever since.

On the other hand, I’ve lost money on “risky” companies in the stock market.  At least theoretically there’s a chance in that, as opposed to an acre of the moon I considered buying on line at Christmas for $79. (No joke! You can buy moon land on the internet!)

Continue reading The Odds Are

Valentine’s Day Quandry

I stopped in the grocery store on the way home two nights ago.  Inside was a mini-madhouse of people planning to rush in to run out, but the checkout aisles were clogged.

I grabbed my items and stopped to look at candy on the Valentine’s Day aisle.  A high school boy, no more than 16 years old, stood wide mouthed staring.

He was obviously self-conscience and felt out of place, rubbing his thumbs in the palms of his hands.  I’m guessing his palms were moist, but his mouth was dry.  Nonetheless, he stood there gawking at the candy, cards and stuffed animals.

The fact that the young man was shopping three days ahead of time for a Valentine’s gift was a little surprising. Good for him!

So after I had looked up and down the aisle, the young fellow was still standing there shell shocked.  I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I asked if he was buying for his girlfriend.  He looked surprised, like I was a mind reader! Everyone in the store who cared to notice him instantly knew the same thing.

He quickly nodded. “Yes sir! There’s a lot of stuff here!” Continue reading Valentine’s Day Quandry

Dreamtown to Awakeville

It was a crazy dream!

I was zonked asleep, which is important, because sometimes I daydream.  In fact, sometimes blogging is like daydreaming, except with words.

Anyway, I was asleep dreaming.

My dreams are usually weird — near sighted blonde unicorns with measles playing frisbee golf while carrying spittoons for their chewing tobacco weird.  Unless you’re deranged, my dreams seldom make sense!

I dreamed about being in an open country field with rolling hills and tall grass as a contestant in a show similar to Wipe Out.  The next task in the show was to ride a merry-go-round for children. Continue reading Dreamtown to Awakeville

Stun Gun

The stun gun came by mail a few days before Thanksgiving.  It was a lot smaller than I thought.

Two little batteries supposedly deliver 800,000 volts of shock, enough to subdue a man with muscle spasms and a temporary, incapacitated state of confusion.

It just wasn’t convincing. The prongs were flimsy aluminum, and toy Buzz Lightyears have better connections!

I thought about trying it on myself, but not being a big fan of electrical shock, I passed.  Besides, I have four sons. Surely one of them would do. Continue reading Stun Gun