Tag Archives: Humor

Stun Gun

The stun gun came by mail a few days before Thanksgiving.  It was a lot smaller than I thought.

Two little batteries supposedly deliver 800,000 volts of shock, enough to subdue a man with muscle spasms and a temporary, incapacitated state of confusion.

It just wasn’t convincing. The prongs were flimsy aluminum, and toy Buzz Lightyears have better connections!

I thought about trying it on myself, but not being a big fan of electrical shock, I passed.  Besides, I have four sons. Surely one of them would do. Continue reading Stun Gun

Dad, Does Insurance Cover an Ambulance

I didn’t recognize the number and almost didn’t answer. “Hello.”

It was my third son, Todd, who has an adventurous spirit.  “Hey, Dad. Whatchu up to?”

“Just watching a soccer game on TV”, I said.  “I thought you were in San Antonio playing in the college club soccer tournament this weekend?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Y’all doing alright?”

“Yes sir. We won the first one, lost the second, and tied right now.”

Todd pressed on. “Hey, does our insurance cover ambulance rides?”

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“I was talking to some guys and I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, any time there’s an accident, it’s covered.” I was getting confused. “Where are you?”

“I’m at our game.”

“Are you finished, or about to start?,”

“No, the game’s going on now.”

“Well Todd, why aren’t you playing?”

“I was, but I was making a steal and slid to clear the ball out of bounds.  The guy from the other team fell on me and when he did, there was a loud pop in my neck.”

“Oh man!! Are you hurt?  Need to go to the doctor?”

Todd matter of factly said, “These guys think I do.”

“What guys?”

“The paramedics.” Continue reading Dad, Does Insurance Cover an Ambulance

Whisker Windfall

This Labor Day was the twentieth anniversary since I grew a goatee. Haven’t seen the ugly under those hair follicles in this century!

Several weeks ago Janet and I traveled, and in Keystone, South Dakota, I shaved.

I was shocked! Without hair on my face, everything looked different!

At least my receding hair line, even if it’s in a steady retreat, is a gradual reveal.  It’s like a slow descent plane landing.  But shaving cold turkey and going lickety-split from whiskers to clean shaven after twenty years, well that’s an engine failure crash landing!

I felt like I needed to introduce myself to the guy staring back at me in the mirror! Who is this stranger?

The worst part, however, was somehow, sometime in last twenty years, someone snuck another chin under the original! It doesn’t look like a double chin with facial hair, right?

But now, my face looks pregnant! Nine months. With twins! Continue reading Whisker Windfall

Throw Momma From The ‘Plane’

Last week we flew to Rapid City, South Dakota to start a six state vacation tour. There’s always a variety of people on airline flights.  I catch myself evaluating everyone, particularly the men, just in case I have to fight.

Don’t call me paranoid. Call me, I don’t know, prudent. Maybe paranoid.  Mainly, prudent.

This flight though, I was more worried about a flight attendant than anything else! At first, I wasn’t completely sure if he was a she, or she was a he. It was she.

I’m figuring she could’ve retired in 1972, but has held on to working as long as she can. The airline must have great benefits! Hair styling, Botox and charm school, however, aren’t among them.

Her gruff, don’t make me slap you, matter of fact, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for lifer voice seemed disturbingly familiar. She even looked familiar, but patting my chin with my finger, I couldn’t figure out from where…

Then my mind started churning….a movie, maybe?

That’s it! That’s who the stewardess looks like!  She looked like mama from the 1987 movie, Throw Momma From the Train!  It was uncanny!!  Twilight Zone music started playing it was so eerie!! Continue reading Throw Momma From The ‘Plane’

Golf With a Putter and Six Iron

A few years ago a handful of my high school buddies started getting together every year. They’re great guys and I’m always glad to see them!

But every year we do something they love, I loathe. Golf.

I’m not talking about fun golf, like Putt-Putt, where you navigate obstacles, putt over the astro turf hill, and maybe even win a free game with a hole in one at the Windmill. Nope!  Nothing fun like that!

They like golf-golf, where you whack a little white ball (orange for me so I can find it in the woods) and hit it over acres and acres of mowed grass that’s had gallons of ‘Weed Be Gone’ sprayed on it. The only goal is to knock the little ball in a coffee cup in the ground that you can’t see.

Psft!  What are they thinking?! Continue reading Golf With a Putter and Six Iron

Just Two Little Letters — 2

~Disclaimer: This is the second satirical post and only meant to entertain, maybe even cause a grin, snicker or smile.  The first post is here.  And yes, there are ALWAYS exceptions.  For the record, no words were injured in the writing of this post, so please don’t injure the writer. (Wink, wink.) ~

It’s weird! Men and women have fun differently!  Granted, there’s no hard and fast rule, but generally the pendulum swings two ways.

Men feel friendship with other guys by doing stuff together.  Here goes:

Two men. They get up at 3:15 AM in cold weather, and meet 3:45 AM sharp at a gas station.  They go inside, fill their thermoses with coffee and get in a truck together.

“Good morning”, one says.

“Morning”, says the other. Continue reading Just Two Little Letters — 2

Just Two Little Letters — 1

Writer’s note! This is satirical and not intended to insult two particular groups, men or women.  OK, I guess this runs the risk to offend everybody, but still, it is written with a wink., smile and laugh. Any similarity to any person, past, present or future is strictly coincidental…

Two letters! That’s all. Man. Wo-man.  Same species, I think. But galaxies apart!

I’m in a chain email group with 6 or 7 high school buddies. When the first email starts, a series of rude comments and insults ensue, much to the delight of all!

When we actually see each other, the greetings among our guy friends includes a hand shake or a bear hug, seldom both.

Bear hugs, however, must be in accordance with the Guy Book of Rules.  Any violation of these imaginary rules results in loss of  “guy points”.  Multiple violations may result in permanent loss of the “man card”.

Rule 17 in the book, section 2, bullet 3, subset 4(a), clearly states that IF you hug a guy instead of shaking his hand, it’s very brief. I mean, break a china glass on the floor brief. And never, ever, ever more than a second.  In fact, prolonged hugs, according to subset 5(d), can result into a justified fist fight. Continue reading Just Two Little Letters — 1

Coffee House Blues

I have one vice, coffee.

Coffee is God’s special gift!  On the sixth day God made man, but decided he needed help, so God topped creation with an exclamation point, a woman!

But God leaned back tapping His chin thinking just one more something special was needed, so He made the coffee bean.  He sat back and said, “It is good!”  I’m pretty sure that’s how it reads in Genesis.

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, anyway, coffee is good!

Granted, it’s probably not the best thing for lunch, but occasionally I drive through the local coffee shop window for a cup of life nectar as a lunch substitute.

The tall, skinny guy taking my order had dark hair curling from under his toboggan.  He had a piercing through his eye brow and a tongue stud that clicked when he talked.  He wore a “Save the Whales” t-shirt that was too tight and a big wide belt that had holes riveted all the way around it. Continue reading Coffee House Blues

Philosophy of a One

My daughter said she was thinking about taking a college philosophy class.

I swallowed, hard.

My exposure to Philosophy 101 in college was a single day many moons ago.  I figured it was going to be a blow off elective course. I mean, easy, right?

But when the sweater wearing professor came in with pointed shoes, coke bottle glasses and five pens in his pocket protector, well, there’s your sign.

He walked straight to the lectern, cleared his throat and started.

He didn’t introduce himself, say hi, nothing.

He could have at least said, “Hey y’all! What a dad gum good lookin’ class this is! I’m Professor Nerdman, and this here is Philosophy 101! You’ll all need this textbook I’m holdin’ up right here and I’m passin’ round a syllabus for ya now.” Continue reading Philosophy of a One

Push, Push!

“Breath! Breath deep!”, the nurse said.  “Good! Control your breaths. Control. Breath deep. Control!”

The deep breaths continue until the pain momentarily subsides.  No class, no education, no preparation can adequately prepare someone for the pain.  Sure, it wouldn’t be forever, but right then, in that moment, it feels like it will never end.

Sharp, awful waves migrate from the back and end in the private area of the body.  It’s so intense that all appearances, inhibitions and concern for dignity flies straight out the window.  Nothing short of hope and relief from the excruciating pain can bring comfort.

The nurse, a seasoned veteran, has seen it all, yet she never consistently predicts the responses beforehand.  A sonogram gives the approximate size, length and weight beforehand, but everyone’s different, so there’s no way to know up front how long or what the response may be. Continue reading Push, Push!