Tag Archives: Humor

Ump

It was a coach pitch All-Star tournament for 7 and 8 year old players. One of the grandsons was playing, so it was double fun!

But between mamas letting their little boys loose, daddies holding their tongues, and coaches reliving their Little League glory days, drama and emotion can quickly ooze into the games.  

It’s usually from the coaches and parents more than the kids.  Boys like the competition, but at that age, the biggest concern for most of them is what flavor of snow cone to get after the game. 

And the poor umpires? They often get blasted from both sides! This day was different though. This game had a short, stocky, 40-year veteran umpire.  

In the first inning, I heard him tell someone while rubbing his head that every gray hair he had was from umpiring.  He winked adding, “I was 6 feet 7 inches tall when I started umpiring, but I’ve been chewed on so much over the years, I’m only 5’ 7” now! “

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Must Be Quantum Physics

Saturday.

Work calls.

Never good.

Hurt employee.

Stuck finger where finger doesn’t go. 

Drive to work. 

No blood. No cut. No bruise. 

Young man.

He holds hurt fingertip tightly, only letting go to adjust the rubber band keeping his hair in a man bun.

Says, “Hurts really, really bad. Like on a one to ten scale, 10 bad.”

Load him up and start toward an urgent care clinic.

For five minutes he gives an instant replay, blow by blow, of how the injury happened.

When he finished I simply asked, “So, why did you put your finger there?”

“I don’t know.”

Continue reading Must Be Quantum Physics

Hallmark Holidays

It’s not right! Hallmark just makes up holidays to sell cards!

It’s like October 6. One one of my daughters posted on Facebook that it was National Transfer Money to Your Daughter Day.  Parents everywhere were requested to transfer money to their daughter’s account.

Psft!  That ain’t happening!  Not unless I go to the bank and got them each a nice, shiny new penny.

Besides, transferring money to your children has been around for years!!  It just goes by different names!  

It’s called child rearing, shoe buying, food, clothing, shelter, prom, cars, Happy Birthday, shoe buying, Merry Christmas, Easter, college, just because I love you day, and of course, shoe buying.

The last “official” day of National Transfer Money to Your Daughter Day is called probating the will.

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Too Many Hobbies

I have too many hobbies! Seriously.

Some people I know have no hobbies, zero, zilch.  They eat, work, sleep, then rewash, repeat, day, after day, after day.

That’s seems boring!

Yet others are so interested in one thing, it’s all they can do.  That’d drive me straight over the crazy cliff!

Still others, like me, (clear my throat and look side to side in case someone is staring), have so many interests, collections, activities, and hobbies, that they neither have, nor take, the time to do any of them really well.

Is that an existential crisis hobby crisis?

I need counseling, at least a support group.

“Hi. My name is Jeff, and I’m a hobbyolic.”

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Chief Katura

The little boogers were back in the woods behind our house.   7, 8 and 9 year old grandsons would never admit it, but their expressions said they almost got lost. 

To implant a little raise the eyebrow caution in them, I whipped up a story of half-truth, half-lie, fabricated, made up, tall tale, umm, creative license story.

“Did y’all see any signs of Chief Katura in the woods?”

Like fishing for hungry perch with a worm, they snapped at the bait! 

 “Who’s that?”

“Chief Katura?”

I paused to look them in the eye for emphasis.

“Now, I’m not saying I believe it, but folks around here say Chief Katura was the bravest Caddo Indian to ever live! Even braver than Chief Nacogdoches, who the oldest town in Texas (where we live), is named after.  A lot of folks around here say the spirit of Chief Katura still roams these woods looking for his bow and arrow.”

They didn’t just take the bait.  They swallowed the hook! 

I robbed some local fore from ghost stories from the town I grew up in and went on.  

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The Longest Wedding Aisle, Ever

Walking my oldest daughter down her wedding aisle was excruciating!

Never mind the other 23,982 steps my Fitbit recorded that day. Most of the energy was used in the 25 to 30 steps walking down the aisle!

It’s a travesty, really.

I mean, who came up with the rule that the dad has to walk his bride-to-be daughter down the aisle anyway?

It’s not fair. It’s void of all decency of a civilized society! Continue reading The Longest Wedding Aisle, Ever

Careful What You Order

The purchasing agent at work, Lynn, scours sales ads for cheap coke deals, clips coupons and beats out other grocery shoppers for the first selection on canned soft drinks.

I don’t know this, but I suspect she’s probably a Black Friday beast shopper, the kind where two women wrestle in a store aisle over the last available Zappy Dappy Duck for kids.

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Insomnia

There’s usually no rhyme or reason when insomnia happens, except it’s at the most inconvenient times. I had a ton of work the next day and needed a good night’s sleep.

Even with the best of intentions, I didn’t hit the hay until Midnight.  What seemed like a couple minutes later, my eyes popped open in the middle of a dream about a dolphin living in our swimming pool.  The dolphin would jump and eat mosquitoes, which was good, but if you didn’t scratch its dorsal fin with a plastic back scratcher, it would bite your arm. 

I know! What kind of weirdo dream is that?

Squinting, it’s only 1:15 AM, so I roll over in bed.  Deep breath. Another, and another. Roll on the other side. Nothing.

I fluff up the pillow a little and lay comatose between sleep and awake.  A few minutes later I wake up again thinking it’s been hours. Ugh, uh. 1:35 AM. Continue reading Insomnia

A Little Privacy, Please!

Dad gummit, it’s just not right!

Recently, almost every day I go to the gym at lunch I end up complaining about a female attendant in the men’s locker room.

It’s frustrating! No. It’s way past that. It’s rocket blast to Mars more irritating!

There are other men who rush in, change like I do, exercise, change back, and hurry to get back to work during the lunch hour. It’s a cattle call time.

Yet that’s exactly when she puts out her little yellow sign saying a female attendant is cleaning the men’s locker room.

The first time I saw her in the locker room, I was already down to my red and green plaid boxers. Ain’t nobody but me needs to know I was in the Christmas spirit!

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Fun Never Sleeps

It’s every grandparent’s dream!

“Would y’all mind keeping the boys for the weekend while we go out of town?”

YES!

And so it came to be that two male fledglings stayed with PawPaw and JJ last weekend.  

Easton ages in for the Terrible Twos at 2 years 9 months, and Asher times in as a Light Weight at only 3 1/2 months old.

Janet likes babies, but they intimidate me like I was a lost kitten in the dog pound.  I like it when they can say what’s wrong, like Easton, so it was perfect! 

When my daughter and son-in-law dropped them off, they were semi-apologetic.  

“Hey! We’re no rookies! Besides, they’re both as laid back of kids that there are.” 

My son-in-law shook his head.  My daughter raised an eye brow with a smile, “Well, wait till nighttime”.

Psft! We got this!

Nighttime came.  

Easton laid down on a pallet in our room and was out like a light!    

Asher was in a pack-n-play.  He fell asleep right on que after his 8:30 PM bottle. 

Good grief! How much easier can it get? 

However, we should’ve gone to bed then, right then!  Instead, we laid down about 10:00ish.  

Continue reading Fun Never Sleeps