Tag Archives: Humor

Income Tax Blues

I hate, Hate, HATE taxes!

And thanks to more government regulations, some tax 1099 Forms that have a REMIC/WHFIT didn’t have to be mailed out until March 15. They don’t extend the tax deadline for the average Joe though. (Joe…though….see what I did there? Made a rhyme!! 😉 )

It’s not that I mind paying my fair share (another rhyme!) as long as the fair share is spent wisely.  But by the time the bureaucrats in government finish inflating the arm and leg paid in taxes, the fair share will only be enough for a government contractor to buy a hammer and box of nails!  Or maybe pay some healthy, able bodied man to stay home and draw housing, food stamps, Medicaid, welfare and a free cell phone each month while I work.  Whichever you prefer, Uncle Sam. You decide. Continue reading Income Tax Blues

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Verti Has To Go!

My nemesis, Verti, has got to go!  I’m tired of her magical spell. She’s not nice. In fact, she’s downright cruel. She keeps things stirred up and puts her own twisted spin on everything. She’s really mixed up!!

It started with a headache for a couple of days, which in and of itself is unusual for me.  But then it turned into light headedness.  I guess it’s obvious I may be light in the head …. but this isn’t a ditz light-headed … it’s a someone is playing spin the bottle in my brain light-headed!

I was at work walking in the plant and some sneaky rascal started moving the concrete floor! The world was spinning like a county fair Tilt-A-Whirl!

Continue reading Verti Has To Go!

Long Night at the Camp

My sons snookered me!

“Come camp with us on my father-in-law’s 800 acre island on the Gulf Coast bay, Dad”, my oldest son, Blake, told me.

“The island’s great!  He runs cows on it and it has several fresh water ponds, and salt water canals surround the island. I’m taking my boat and there are ducks, dove, quail, wild hogs, gators and coons galore. We’ll catch flounder, reds, trout, drum, maybe even a shark or two. Come on! It’ll be fun!”

They drove down together that morning, and like a moth to the flame, I made the two-hour drive right after work.

I should’ve thought.  I should’ve asked.  I should’ve brought my own gear regardless of what they told me.

I didn’t. Continue reading Long Night at the Camp

The Catastrophic Failure of Cats

After God made creation, He had Adam name it all, with a tad bit of direction.

“Adam, what do you want to call this animal?” God asked.

“Brown with two long arms, eats bananas and swings from trees. How about, Monkey?!” Adam proposed.

“That’s great, Adam! How about this one?”

“Uh, grey, big, long trunk….OK. Republican!” Adam said.

“Mmm, that doesn’t really fit” God mused.

“Alright God. Let’s say Elephant then!” Adam answered. Continue reading The Catastrophic Failure of Cats

Jury Duty Selection

Jury duty is always a welcome relief. Maybe if I was on trial that wouldn’t be the case, but since it was some other poor slob, then all seems fair in love and war. The trouble with jury duty though is if you get selected, then the next few days you’re sitting and taking in facts you probably didn’t know, and in many cases, didn’t care to know.

So when I was number 72 in the jury pool, it didn’t seem much to fret over other than to sit for the selection and voir dire.

When I sat down in assigned seat number 72, number 73 greeted me. He was, and I mean no disrespect at all, an old burned out hippie. His mostly gray hair was pulled back in a short ponytail, not a long flowing horse tail ponytail, but like a dog that had its tail bobbed but still acted like its tail was its best feature ponytail.

Continue reading Jury Duty Selection

The Best Babatism Ever

At church, a boy about seven years old was baptized.  As is custom before a baptism at our church, the media team shows a video of each person talking about their life, why they chose to believe, and why they want to be baptized.

In the boy’s video, he spoke sincerely, and his contagious smile was memorable because he had lost both front teeth. He said several times in the video that he wanted to be “babatized” and talked about how he wanted someone special from out-of-town to “babatize” him.

Turns out, the special person was the boy’s godfather, a young man in his late twenties who could easily pass for a military soldier.  Where we go to church, immersion is the mode of baptism, which means going completely under water from head to toe, or maybe if you’re seven years old, getting dunked.  Continue reading The Best Babatism Ever

Blue Bell Blues

While pushing a grocery buggy with a squeaky, lop-sided wheel through the store, a happy dance suddenly rises from the marrow of my bones. Blue Bell’s on sale!

Feeling tears of joy well up in my eyes, I stand hopelessly in front of the double glass doors completely mesmerized by the gold and brown rim half gallons of ice cream.  Salivating like Pavlov’s dog, I narrow in on Southern Blackberry Cobbler, but just before I reach for it, I see Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough out of my peripheral vision, and there’s Moo-Llennium Crunch above that!

Those made me second guess myself, and fight, and I mean fight, to walk away from it all like a good boy should.  But like a fly caught in a spider’s web, both feet stick to the floor as people pass me on both sides of the aisle.  Continue reading Blue Bell Blues

Tie Tuesday

We had a financial audit at work. Ronnie must have been worried. He dressed up. He even wore a tie for the auditor. That’s how it started. In a business where Sunday best is casual Friday attire to most, a tie is an anomaly.

He picked up on my sarcasm, grinned, and ignored me carrying on about how good he looked and how he brought up the class of the whole joint!  He dismissed me with an amused smile and talked about how he used to wear a tie every day to work, 25 years ago, in another job.  And after all, he was the company Accountant!

I droned on and on about how professional and competent he looked wearing a tie while the rest of us, the other 194 ragged, wretched employees, wore boots, old jeans and Carhart shirts.  When I suggested he wear a tie the next Tuesday also, he pursed his lips and looked away, like he was deeply considering it. And why shouldn’t he? He was the Accountant and had garnered more attention from co-workers while wearing a tie for a day than he had the whole last year. Continue reading Tie Tuesday

Baby Coon Precious

A car skid to a stand-still on the dirt road in front of my house some years back. Through the woods, I could see and hear three young men.

It wasn’t ordinary, and they were interested in something on the edge of my land.  I armed myself, told my oldest three sons to wait where they were, fired up the truck and drove to where they were.

There were three college guys looking up a tree on the edge of the barbed wire fence on the property line.  Way up at the top of a large pine tree was a huge mama raccoon looking down at the guys.  About ten feet up, four baby coons were sitting on a tree limb. Continue reading Baby Coon Precious

Bible Battle

I’m not even sure how it started, but once it did, it became a friendly free for all. It was insults, from the Bible, no less.

I got to work one morning and found a yellow sticky note stuck on my computer screen from a co-worker which had both an insult, and a Bible verse that went with it.  It said – They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard… Leviticus 21:5  “You shave the sides of your beard having your little goatee AND you’re bald!  You’re a double sinner!!”

 I laughed. Then plotted.

The next day I left a post it note on his desk, and was quite pleased with my response —  Continue reading Bible Battle