The stun gun came by mail a few days before Thanksgiving. It was a lot smaller than I thought.
Two little batteries supposedly deliver 800,000 volts of shock, enough to subdue a man with muscle spasms and a temporary, incapacitated state of confusion.
It just wasn’t convincing. The prongs were flimsy aluminum, and toy Buzz Lightyears have better connections!
I thought about trying it on myself, but not being a big fan of electrical shock, I passed. Besides, I have four sons. Surely one of them would do.
I considered sneaking up on one of them to just let ’em have it! But there’s danger in that strategy, mainly revenge, so I opted out.
Having already thought about testing it on myself, I figured one of them would think the same way before voluntarily shocking himself into convulsions. I’d know then how good my investment works. Thanksgiving was the perfect time!
Now, which son?
Blake was with his wife and her family, so he got a get out of jail free card. Not Jared either because I wasn’t sure the impact a $39.99 stun gun would have on his $50,000 cochlear implant.
Then I remembered an incident years ago when the older three brothers talked Clark, who was only four at the time, into peeing on the electric fence. Electricity passes through a steady stream of water. Get the picture?
I came around a corner and Clark was howling in pain, drowned out by the hysterical, side splitting laughter of his three brothers.
Clark’s paid his dues. That left Todd.
I casually mentioned to Todd a stun gun a day or two before, just to put the thought there.
After lunch on Thanksgiving Day, I casually laid it on the coffee table.
To prime the pump, I said I doubted it would work, and that the loud, arcing electric sound was just for effect. Besides, how well could it work for only….$9.99?
They took the bait and the conversation started. Todd said he’d been shocked by Blake’s 100,000 volt stun gun. When he asked how many volts this one was, I assured him it was only 50,000.
He pushed the button and the sound of the electrical arc between the two prongs sounded like a downed power line! Todd objected, “This is more than 50,000 volts!”
Knowing the whole thing was at risk, I slipped the insert that said 800,000 volts in my pocket and admitted, maybe it was a 100,000 volts. For good measure, I added that I’d looked at so many I may have “forgotten”.
Before the fish got off the hook, I changed lures and explained I was simply wanting to see if it worked well enough to buy more for Christmas gifts, you know, “for your Nana’s protection”.
That did the trick!
My sister shut down an ensuing discussion about trying it on one of her house dogs, and Todd said he didn’t like electricity, so I offered him $5 to shock the living daylights out of himself. Negotiations settled at $10.
One of the boys said it was probably 500,000 volts. Todd said the local police use 850,000 volt guns to completely immobilize a person.
All eyes suspiciously turned back to me. I crossed my fingers, and said it would be cruel to intentionally do that to someone.
The phrase, “whatever”, was thrown back at me in several ways.
But like a herd of zombies chasing a baby calf, they all focused back on Todd. All the brothers, sisters, aunt, I think maybe even Nana, started encouraging Todd to shock himself in a chant like, human sacrifice kind of way.
With great apprehension, he finally pushed the button and stuck it on his thigh.
The contact was just a split second, but enough to cause his leg to kick out. He straightened his whole body as it involuntarily twisted to get away from the painful shock. The stun gun didn’t do what they advertised though. He was still moving.
The first words out of Todd’s mouth were, “It’s not too bad”.
“Whatever”, got thrown out again.
It took a lot of time convincing, but the zombies got Todd to shock himself a second time. This time, he was flinching before it ever touched him and it was for an even a shorter time. He said his leg hurt and was tingling.
A cousin finally agreed to lay on the couch for $10 and get shocked.
He wanted me to shock him in his rear quarter panel though, mainly because he didn’t trust the others not to “over shock” him, which in and of itself, was kind of ironic.
The first time I shocked him, he barely moved. I didn’t know his wallet was in his back pocket, so after he took it out, I shocked him again for just a second. He just jumped and hollered. Nothing else. Very disappointing!
That shock wasn’t enough to truly test the stun gun, so I jammed those 800,000 volts right right back on his rear before he could get up.
The dad gum plastic button snapped in two, making the whole stun gun absolutely worthless.
A little later, Clark took it apart and and fixed it, but I’d already made the mistake of bringing out the box which clearly said 800,000 volts. There were no more volunteers. In fact, I was a little surprised by their mistrust! Come on man! It was for Nana!
Clark made an assignation attempt later, but I was able to get the stun gun back before it hit me. I hid the batteries in different places, with one of them in my pocket the whole time, just to make sure.
And if any of you guys involved in our little “experiment” read this, you need to know I totally, completely, and wholly, truly admire, respect and love all of you a great deal. For real. Like, really!
I’m sure you’ll forget all about this and never, ever think of a way to get even because remember, you’re all just really, really great young men. Besides, just turn the other cheek, right? (For one of you, that would be literal.)
My Consumer Reports semi-evaluation? Well, this particular 800,000 volt stun gun is NOT worth $39.99! It broke way to easy! Plus, you have to hold it on someone and it still doesn’t really do anything except make them scream!
I did see on line though a 2 million volt stun gun! Hmm…maybe next Thanksgiving…