My Town

Our town is a place to love! It’s beautiful, but more importantly, it’s unique. It’s the people that make it unique, and nowhere else will you see that more obvious than people watching…or just driving down the road.

It’s probably a politically incorrect thing to say, but I do wonder sometimes if there are more “special” people in our neck of the woods than other places. By special, I don’t mean extraordinary intelligence. I mean Mama dropped them on their heads too often, from a two-story building special!

It’s scary! Some of them drive, with a legit driver license, approved by the great State of Texas nonetheless! Seeing them behind the wheel would make Hannibal Lecter shudder!

Sometimes, it’s a good thing. A couple weeks ago a retired university professor I know of was driving down the road in a Model A roadster kit car with the top down. He was puttering around the loop. The car was pristine spotless and every part was super shined. He wore a red neck scarf, black leather jacket, and a grey ivy league hat that somehow didn’t blow off as he drove down the road.

He had a quaint grin on his face, as if he was living in another time, another place. Someone honked and waved at him at red light. He returned the gesture with a wave and big smile followed by an old timey, antique horn sounded twice, “Ah-ooh-ga! Ah-ooh-ga!”

He makes you smile, and gets The Most Nostalgic Driver award.

Others in our town though, oh good grief! Some of them give credence to what Darwin said about natural selection. On their best days, their brain gene pool is a shallow, muddy puddle! I’ve even heard people say that stupidity is the leading cause of death around here! It may be true. Local cemeteries are full of guys who showed out trying to do some stunt they thought they could pull off. Their last words are usually, “Hey! Hey, Bubba! (as they spit out tobacco juice) Watch this!!”

Last week going home I saw a guy driving a pickup, or a car? It was hard to tell because it was made of car and pickup pieces and parts. Somehow, he got it all together and went running down the road in his “creative” no such model, no such year vehicle. There’s a sign!

The week before I snapped a picture a Hell’s Angel wannabe driving down the road on a three-wheel motorcycle. On the back, he had two white ice chests with a storage container in the middle. Above that was a keg of, of whatever, strapped on above the ice chests! I wondered if this was considered a “closed container”, and if he could be charged with DWI just from his exposed container open for the world to see? I don’t know. May need to consult one of my lawyer friends!

The Most Likely to Cause an Accident went to a man driving a mini-van down the road. I sped by him before his load toppled off the top of his mini-van, but not before I snapped a picture. He was hauling a washer and dryer going 50 miles an hour down “University Drive”, which is kind of ironic, in and of itself. The back tail gate was open and bounced up and down every time he hit a bump. He had the clothes dryer on top of the van, tied at an angle with one piece of thick twine! The poor draggletail definitely doesn’t carry a Mensa card in his wallet, but he was just as happy as he could be! When I passed, he was signing with the radio oblivious to any potential problems or danger. I wonder, is that what ignorance is bliss means?

The next guy wins The Coolest Idea Ever award, albeit somewhat redneck. He converted a used school bus into a recreational vehicle towing machine! He even had a couple of buckets hanging up in the corners of the cut out roof. He was hauling a Razor on an adapted “bus bed”! Granted, it would catch the eye of every law enforcement official this side of the Mississippi, but he could carry as many folks as he wanted to any recreational destination! Fun, fun!

The last guy though, well he takes the cake! I ended up beside a four-door truck with a big back expanded metal bed pulling a trailer loaded with yard equipment. The truck had three men in the front seat and three in the back seat. Trouble was, it was a seven-man crew.  Problems, problems.  So where do you put the last guy? Well, here’s an idea — how about we make him ride back in back of the truck sitting in the riding lawn mower seat? Maybe, just maybe, no one would notice anything amiss?

Going down the highway at 75 miles per hour, I glanced at the trailer. There he was in all of his glory, Mr. Four Fries Short of a Happy Meal! I leaned over for a closer look just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I grabbed my cell phone to snap a picture. When I did, he saw me. He started waving and posing with a big armadillo eating grin on his face, at 75 mph! He reminded me of Granny riding the rocking chair on the back of the truck on the Beverly Hillbillies! He wins the grand prize (drumroll please) for Most Likely to Die with a Smile on His Face! The nitwit! Organic cabbage is smarter than that, but still, he was happy!!

Pictures are included lest you think I exaggerate! You can’t make this stuff up! These people, these folks are our neighbors, our fellow citizens, friends, maybe even family who live in, and around, this neck of the woods. In a way, I wish I was exaggerating, but in my town, you never know!

You think you won’t fit in here? You will! Just come on down any time you want! Sit back. Take a ride. Enjoy the visit.  This is part of our town!  And we LOVE our town! Y’all come back now, ya hear?

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