Pour two cups of pride into a large mixing bowl while forgetting all the bad things you’ve done.
Add cup and half of good works to a cup of following church norms. Extra flavor occurs when family activities are sacrificed to accommodate church commitments.
Carefully compare yourself to others who’ve done worse things, then generously sprinkle in bowl when you need to feel good about yourself.
Smile continuously at those like you, but shake your head in “pity and concern” for those in need of God. Demonstrate disdain for particularly sinful people, and keep your distance unless, of course, on a church mission trip.
Carefully sift from consciousness all personal weaknesses, struggles, failures, sin and wrongs against others. Hide sifted mixture in large Tupperware container in back of your memory pantry. Use multiple containers, when necessary, and cover with black trash bags to insure no one accidentally sees your Tupperware.
In separate mixing bowl, add quarter cup of giving money to church. Be certain to speak testimony pointing out how you did it even when you couldn’t afford it.
Pour in half a cup of gossip, then color with white food coloring by “sharing” other’s problems in hour-long prayer meeting. However, praying five minutes required in the hour to actually count as a prayer meeting.
Pour in quarter cup of Bible study. Be careful, however, to keep knowledge in brain so it doesn’t spill into the heart.
Put in teaspoon of fasting. Make certain others know your commitment.
Add pinch of serving on a church committee. Carry literature in Bible, between the pages stuck together, to taste.
Blend all ingredients. Add additional good works if mixture appears not sweet enough. If mixture is runny or soft, add judgmental attitude to firm up convictions.
Bake in faithful church attendance being careful not to burn with fire and brimstone. Increase heat by exposing, gossiping and sharing anyone else’s sins, faults or struggles that are bigger than yours.
Extra flavor is awarded for righteousness to men with no tattoos, short hair and successful financially. Women without a “questionable past” must wear little make up, pretend to be kind and have perfect kids.
Once baked, remove from all inward honesty and self-examination. Maintain at lukewarm temperature to become neither hot nor cold.
Generously dish out servings of godly admonition, rebuke, sentiment, and instruction without regard to others, as you see fit, while adamantly claiming knowledge of God’s truth and blessings on yourself.
“Follow Me.” Jesus