The stock market is not my friend! An acquaintance, but not a friend!

Between my 401(k), IRA, Roth IRA, cash account, and 529 plan, my semi-rational thought process nose dives into a stellular black hole!

There’s a reason people say they “play the market”.  It’s gambling. That’s all! There’s just no cards, dice or poker chips with stocks!

Instead, there’s EPS (earnings per share), PE (price to earnings ratio), Non-GAAP (Non-Generally Accepted Accounting Principles), and the really big BS (Balance Sheets).

And for trading stocks there’s Limit Orders, Market Orders, Trailing Stop %, and Selling Short!

Selling short really confuses me! How do you buy something and only make money if the price goes down? Isn’t that like trying to gain weight by not eating for a week?

Some stocks pay dividends, but that’s like getting a small rebate from a kidnapper’s ransom! 

Besides, I think I’d make more money pitching quarters in a prison riot lockdown than “investing” in stocks.

In old times, they locked people in stocks as a torturing punishment! Psft! No wonder they call them stocks today!!  It’s just a voluntary financial torture!

My success is limited, still better than most financial advisors I know, but still, limited. At least when I first started “trading” stocks 27 years ago, I had beginners’ luck, albeit bad. 

I started managing a rollover account from a previous job during the “dot-com bubble”. 

Good grief! If you couldn’t make money during that time on dot-com stocks then you were a complete dimwit!   

My wit is dim.

I spent hours studying and researching stocks.  After days of contemplation, then, and only then, did I invest my rollover account into painstakingly chosen stocks.

I marvel at it today! It was incredible!!

After just one year of investing in stocks during a bull market while the dot-com bubble was in its peak, I was able to turn a healthy sum of money into a sixty percent loss for the year! A 60% loss!!

Weightwatchers can’t touch those numbers!!

That money would’ve had less risk if I bet it all on a race horse! I could’ve done better by blindly picking a horse number!

Yes please! I’d like to bet my entire retirement account on horse #13. And what’s the horse’s name? Fat Boy you say? OK, great!!

I should’ve stopped then.  Maybe just bury cash and coins in glass mason jars in the backyard.  Even if I forgot where half the jars were, I’d still be money ahead!  

I stuck with mutual funds for a while, which is kind of like burying retirement money in Wall Street’s backyard. 

At least the mutual funds I picked were kind of OK. Not great, but OK. Kind of.

Fast forward 27 years.

Now with my vast array of investment brilliance, I realized in March that the stock sell-off from the Chinese Corona Virus was an investment opportunity. A big one!

So I started tapping into my online stock accounts.  I have stocks of some solid companies. Unfortunately, they all dropped like an apple on Isaac Newton’s head as soon as I hit the buy button!

Like one stock, it was a great deal at a measly $17.91 per share! I bought 200 shares on my iPad 2 ½ years ago while in the hospital waiting room waiting for one of my grandsons to be born.    

It’s fallen ever since!  I looked a minute ago. It’s a whopping $2.89 a share today, but as low as $1.61 earlier this year. 

I’m sure they say in Investing for Dummies 101 (a book I really need to read) that what goes up fast in the stock market can come down fast too. But what if everything you buy goes down fast?

Maybe I can sell my stock experience and knowledge to make money? 

I’ve lost money in the market, and if I carried a briefcase, then I could claim to be an expert!

Anyway, my strategy and advice would be super easy.  Whatever stocks I buy, you buy and sell them short! 

You’re guaranteed to make a killing!!

Need more advice?

Call 1-800-Rabbit trails. For a small fee, payable in three low monthly payments plus shipping and handling, I’ll let you know what NOT to buy!

In the meantime, diversify!!

Bury half your money in the backyard. Put the rest on Fat Boy, horse #13!