Christmas, Family, food, Humor

Christmas Calories

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Sugar – it’s worse than cocaine! The onward swooning of sugar’s allure is woefully tempting!  And the Christmas holidays are filled with every sort of the granulated, powdered, refined, and liquified versions of the cane plant.

Sure, I could lame blame it on something like my lack of self-control, but what fun is there in that?  Instead, I cast fault on everyone else’s need for an ever-growing fix of sugar.

Truth be told, the ideal world would have none of it. Instead, we’d just reach for a blueberry or celery stick, or maybe just suck on a prune for an hour or so for relief. (No prune relief pun intended). Instead, from sweet Great Grandma to little sugar plum granddaughter, every cook puts their best foot forward at Christmas. If it’s not a tasty, butter washed, sugar drenched, fat calorie laden taste of pure sin in every delectable bite, then it’s just not up to par, ya know?

Even Christmas classics are full of sugar as visions of sugar drops dance in their head.  It’s no wonder!  I personally think it’s Santa’s fault that America is getting fat and overweight!  Santa could put Marie Osmond out of work if he wanted to be the Nutrisystem’s spokesperson! But no!  He eats. Every year, he just eats!

Hey, I may have a sugar problem, but Santa! Santa wants cookies left out by the stockings!  He wants elves to bring him hot chocolate.  He wants Mrs. Clause to keep him supplied in candy corn and pork rinds!  I’ve got way more self-control than that red coated fat boy!!

Christmas Calories Story!Still, sugar is everywhere!  I feel certain there is a secret society of dentists and cardiologists behind the scenes pushing our culture to drink the daily recommended allotment of 8 eight-ounce cups of Coca-Cola a day! Why?  It keeps them in work! Indefinitely!!

And speaking of work, customers and vendors are sending all of the things bad for you as a “treat”.  It’s only Christmas once a year they’ll say.  Uh huh, but there’s Valentines, Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Birthdays only once a year too!  Add it all together and what do you get? Enough Spandex stretched fat cells to make a hibernating grizzly bear feel bloated and gassy!

And if, by chance, (not that I ever would but some people I’m around do this)….if by chance, I take one bite of fudge, one taste of an icing covered Christmas tree cookie with colored sprinkles for ornaments, one sip of eggnog, or just a smidgen sample of Chex Mix trash, with extra peanuts of course, then Betsy shut the barnyard door!  One bite of any of those just isn’t happening!  It’s the you just can’t eat one Lays Potato Chip syndrome!  I’m telling you; it’s worse than cocaine!!

It’s like a secret all you can eat buffet at a Weight Watcher’s convention!  There’s stuff everywhere, and it’s all full of hidden calories.

Christmas Calories Story (1)

So far, my favorite this year is a bottle of pickled quail eggs with a fork stuck in it in the office lunchroom!  I’ve never tried one of those eggs, even though they are considered a major food group and available in every gas convenience store in the south!  No one claimed to have opened the bottle of quail eggs, much less eaten any, but the bottle was empty in the trash about an hour later!!

I wanted to find the culprit by going office to office seeing who smelled like a pickle and had egg yolk still stuck between their teeth, but I got busy.  Now I’ll always wonder who the closet quail egg eater is. It’s probably a don’t ask, don’t tell issue anyway.

Now I don’t want to talk bad about my co-workers, but anyone who will gobble down quail eggs on the sly, well, they just can’t be trusted with all the sugar goodies on the office table either!  It’s true!  Just sayin’!

20 thoughts on “Christmas Calories”

  2. So true to life. All the “little” servings still have the same calories as the one regular size serving.That’s how Weight Watchers stays in business..Just another government conspiracy.

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  3. Calories don’t count on special occasions, vacations, at parties, holidays, weddings, family gatherings, celebrations, or if offered by a well meaning relative, coworker or customer…feelings of others outrank calories 2 to 1. (Maybe even 3-1)

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    1. Love it! So, if someone who loves you gives you donuts, they are actually calorie, sugar and fat free! Like a reverse mortgage when you get money back instead of paying in!! I can live with this concept Meredith!!!

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  4. Jeff, I’m hating myself right now for being so weak around Christmas time, but you softened the blow a bit. That is, until you said, “One bite of any of those just isn’t happening!” Now the self-hate meter is pegged! It’s OK though, I need to hear it 🙂

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    1. Oh no my friend! Don’t hate yourself for food at Christmas! Relax. Enjoy. Soak in the moments. That’s what someone invented New Years Resolutions for!! You can bite your tongue after the first of the year while on the gym treadmill, but you have a get of jail free card to bite into whatever shows up in kitchen right now! 😉

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    1. I’m highly impressed! Sugar, in one form or another, is in just about EVERYTHING!! Never heard of Lily’s chocolate, so I will look it up, and read more of your blog for how you do it! Thank you!

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  9. I did real good until that homemade chocolate pie hit the house! It was over! I even got a spoon eating the chocolate which ran out when you cut it telling my husband, “I have OCD you know and I have to make it even!”

    Alas it is over now and am back to Atkins! Somehow just not the same.

    Is their guilt??? Not ONE BIT! 🙂 Have a great New Year’s and God Bless, SR

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