Last week we flew to Rapid City, South Dakota to start a six state vacation tour. There’s always a variety of people on airline flights. I catch myself evaluating everyone, particularly the men, just in case I have to fight.
Don’t call me paranoid. Call me, I don’t know, prudent. Maybe paranoid. Mainly, prudent.
This flight though, I was more worried about a flight attendant than anything else! At first, I wasn’t completely sure if he was a she, or she was a he. It was she.
I’m figuring she could’ve retired in 1972, but has held on to working as long as she can. The airline must have great benefits! Hair styling, Botox and charm school, however, aren’t among them.
Her gruff, don’t make me slap you, matter of fact, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for lifer voice seemed disturbingly familiar. She even looked familiar, but patting my chin with my finger, I couldn’t figure out from where…
Then my mind started churning….a movie, maybe?
That’s it! That’s who the stewardess looks like! She looked like mama from the 1987 movie, Throw Momma From the Train! It was uncanny!! Twilight Zone music started playing it was so eerie!!
We hadn’t pulled out of the gate so I quickly pulled up a picture on my phone of the woman from the movie to check, and B.I.N.G.O!
I elbowed Janet, who would never do anything to hurt anyone’s feelings or be mean, and showed her my grand discovery. She glanced at the picture and shook her head no, but I knew from her slight facial amusement that it was a homerun in similarities!
A mother sat in front of us with her nine year old boy in the window seat. The boy was used to getting everything when, where and how he wanted it. He started demanding, as loud as he could, “I want my phone! I want my phone!”
The little flea hound! I rolled my eyes without even rolling them.
But kudos to Throw Momma! She charged up the aisle like a grizzly bear after prey, staring menacingly at the boy in her crosshairs the whole time. She told the mother in her gruff, expressionless face, “He’ll have to wear ear phones for his movie!”
Yeah! Take that, little nine year old snot!! You go, Throw Momma! You go girl!!
Beside us was another young mother with her precious eight year daughter in the window seat. The little girl leaned shyly over to look at us and smiled. She was the opposite of boy brat…a cute, well mannered, sweet child!
She giggled and squirmed in delight during take off, while the bratty kid just played on his I-pad.
Later when Throw Momma ambled up the aisle like a water buffalo serving refreshments, the boy acted like he was owed everything. Throw Momma was not impressed. Her jowls shook from his thankless reaction.
Not the Princess though. She made eye contact, smiled and thanked Throw Momma. Throw Momma never smiled or even changed expression, just mater of factly frowned.
Come on, Throw Momma! Have a heart!
I was a little afraid of accepting the mini-size bag of pretzels and juice cup from Throw Momma. Like, what if she was going to frame me for a crime she committed using finger prints off my cup?
An hour later, I had to get up to go to the restroom in the back of the plane. Throw Momma was back there reading a newspaper with one leg hiked up on a storage box as if she’d sprained an ankle.
Before I could reach for the restroom door handle she barked, without even looking up, “Someone’s in there!”
I dutifully waited. Throw Momma groaned in disapproval, aghast at the lifestyle article she was reading in the newspaper.
It was an article with pictures about someone showing off two of their summer homes and a collection of cars. Throw Momma was seriously perturbed by the extravagance!
She looked up and said, “Look at this! Some people just have way too much money! That’s ridiculous!”
Looking back, I was unwise, maybe even foolishly dangerous in my knee-jerk response.
“Wow!! They must be airline stewardesses!”
Throw Momma jerked her head up to look at me with an eye half cocked and no expression on her face whatsoever. It was a look like, if this plane goes down, you’re “accidentally” not gonna make it off!
She belched out, “Hardly!” and scowled back down at her paper.
I was relieved, in two ways, when the bathroom door opened right then and a little old lady shimmied out of Houdini’s closet.
On Throw Momma’s last trip up the aisle for trash, she took one last glare at brat boy, and barely glanced at the little Princess, which gave me time to carefully wipe finger prints off my cup before putting it in the trash bag.
Yeah. Mainly prudent.
I forgot about Throw Momma after getting off the plane until going back and looking at vacation pictures. Put a shiver up my spine!!
But still, warning, beware!
If you’re flying the wild blue yonder and Throw Momma shows up as your stewardess, just be careful! Talk nice. Move slowly. Avoid eye contact. And above all, wipe off your finger prints!
You never know! You just never know!!