It takes all kinds to make the world go round, but some make the trip around more entertaining.
At the gym during lunch time, there was a new guy working out, kinda. Most folks just work out to be healthy and go their own way. Not the new guy. No siree. Not at all!
He was in the locker room when I got there talking to someone in the next section over. He acted as if he was the right hand mercenary for a mafia Godfather, but I’m not sure he’d be over 5’2” even with a pair of stiletto high heels on! (OK, so I know what stiletto high heels are — I have four daughters.)
Even with his black platform boots that shined brighter than Santa’s, he’d have to stand on his tippy toes just to see over a bell tower rail so he could yell, “De plane, Boss! De plane!”
When I got inside the gym, he was there looking at himself in a mirror flipping some of the locks from his full head of hair to the side. Now I’ll be really honest. I got jealous. I mean, he’s over there flipping his hair out of his eyes like a horse-tail swatting mosquitoes! The closest I can get to that is half-inch sprigs of hair that stand straight up in the bald spot. That’s not right! It’s just not right!!
I started my work out. In the mean time, Little Bit was running his fingers through his hair, again. He was talking to another guy but seemed to be looking just beyond that. I followed his gaze, and I kid you not, but I’m pretty sure he was trying to show out for some senior citizen ladies lifting weights.
He kept glancing at himself in the mirror, then back toward the senior citizen ladies. I just knew he was about to talk like Fabio and say, “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”
When he walked he threw his arms out wider, like he was in the gym all day long, every day. You know the look. It’s where your arms don’t hang by your sides, but stick out like a clothes line pole just to show how strong you really are.
He walked the part too. He’d walk with his legs a little farther apart than necessary, like he had such massive leg muscles that just the friction of his thighs rubbing together could start a spontaneous combustion fire. Maybe that’s being harsh, cause really, everyone should get the benefit of the doubt. So let’s just assume he was severely bowlegged. Or maybe, he’d pulled a groin muscle, or possibly, had a really bad rash. Yeah, that was probably it, a bad rash.
When I got on the biceps machine, I didn’t adjust the weight and it was way too heavy. I looked to make sure no one saw me drop the weight down 30 pounds. It was still heavy and soon I was huffing and puffing. I peeked again to make sure no one saw me drop the weight more. That’s when I realized I was following the two senior citizen ladies lifting weights who had just used the biceps machine!
At the next machine, Little Bit was sitting in front of the wall of mirrors pulling a weight cable totally absorbed in how his arm muscles looked. He tried not to make it look obvious, but if he showed any more interest in himself, he’d have to go to the courthouse and get a license to marry himself.
On the next machine, I looked past Little Bit at the mirrors that reflected a lot of people. One poor slob was doing the bench press. He was straining, his face was red and a little vein was popping out on his forehead. My first impression was how sad it was, until, until I realized it was me in the mirror…
There’s not a lot of time at lunch to drive, dress, workout, dress and drive back in an hour. Apparently, Little Bit was on the same schedule because right after I got in my truck, he came bouncing out of the gym front door. He was walking along and started smiling and waving, like he was on the campaign trail.
Have you noticed how politicians can be in a huge crowd of nameless faces waving, and without exception, suddenly act like they see someone they’re really close to, like their spouse, mother or parole officer. The politician will just point at some random person in the crowd, followed by a sentence or two, like they are talking intimately to someone 400 feet away in the balcony.
Little Bit was doing that! I quit backing up the truck to figure out who in the world he was politician waving to. There wasn’t anyone! No where! No one unless some car thief was hiding in the back seat of his jacked up four-wheel, SUV with over-size tires and LED lights that shine underneath the bottom. Little Bit just waved and smiled at some imaginary person somewhere before walking with his legs wide apart again like his chaff got worse at the gym.
And just for the record, his arms were so far out to his side that his little back pack, Dora the Explorer size, didn’t even touch his back!
But then, as if he was subconsciously trying to get even, he flipped his chin back sending his thick, full head of hair cascading carelessly through the wind.
Well, I can’t believe it’s not butter either, cause I’m jealous. Totally, jealous!!