I just wanted a smoothie, that’s all! A simple smoothie, in and out, no big deal.
Last week two college girls were working the Smoothie King counter. After staring mindlessly at the order board, I finally asked what the best tasting, healthiest smoothie was.
She immediately said her favorite smoothie was loaded with vitamins, fruit and called the Pre-Mama.
She was right! It was great!
Friday two college guys were working. They were polar opposites. One was huge and tall; the other short and small, leprochaun size really. I wanted to catch the hyper little guy and demand he take me to his hidden a pot of gold!
A lady was ordering in front of me. The big guy taking her order had on a T-shirt at least a size too small, plus he had no, absolutely zero, enthusiasm. Undertakers at funerals have more enthusiasm!
He stared blankly while she ordered, breathing through his open mouth the whole time.
After she ordered, I stepped up with confidence! I knew what I wanted! Yes! The Pre-Mama … oh, and I heard you tell her it’s $5 Friday, so yes please, I would like that in the 32-ounce size also! That’s $5, right??
Mouth breather’s expression never changed. He looked like he was about to go to sleep, and barely shook his head yes. I pulled out my wallet and money changed hands without a word from him.
Meanwhile, the hyper leprechaun grabbed my order ticket, turned and spoke four times louder than his height.
“You know this is for expectant mothers, right?”
That stung, bad, like a wasp sting in the nostril bad.
I didn’t know, but all of the sudden it made sense! I thought Pre-Mama meant Pre for “Premier smoothie” and Mama was “the mother lode, the bonanza in a gold mine, and I’m rich, I’m rich, I’m rich.”
The girl last week didn’t say Pre-Mama meant for a woman with a bun in the oven! She left that part out! I can’t keep my man card if I start getting PMS, Pre-Mama Smoothies!
The leprechaun got louder. “You know, most guys just say, ‘Hey, that’s fine’ and want the pre-natal vitamins taken out and replaced with man vitamins.”
I panicked. I read the description and at the end, just as clear as Latin in a French class for the blind, it said prenatal vitamins were included!
I told him the workers last week recommended it. He looked at me doubtfully, so I pretended it didn’t surprise me. But inside, I wanted to grab and shake him! Just let the precious go, Bilbo Baggins! Let it go!
He said, “OK, but I mean, you know, it’s not for men. It’s for pregnant women, and you’ll be getting a lot more folic acid than you really need.”
I felt indignant! My folic acid is no concern of his! Besides, I’m follicley challenged. More folic acid can’t be a bad thing!
I quietly said, again, it was fine, just make the smoothie, but Papa Smurf kept gnawing away! He rambled on about men’s vitamins and “overdosing” on prenatal vitamins.
The woman in front of me was still waiting for her smoothie. I looked at her, rubbed my stomach and said, “Besides, I’m eating for two.” She looked at me like I was some sort of carnival freak show and turned away!
I tried to change the subject with leprechaun by asking what the best tasting, most nutritional smoothie was, but Lucky Charms wouldn’t stop! “Not this one!” he said. “This is only the second one of these I’ve made!”
“Wait! You just told me men always change it to another vitamin supplement!”
“Yeah, well the dude yesterday didn’t know Pre-Mama meant for pregnant women. I mean, it says right there on the sign. I don’t know what the dude was thinking.”
Mouth breather was still standing behind the register staring. He slightly raised his eyebrows and shrugged like, psft, whatever man!
That’s when I knew it was time to shut up.
Then I felt guilty. Afterall, Jesus helped make these two guys, even the woman who thought I had a gourd for a brain. So what would Jesus do?
I came up with nothing! Spiritual blanks!
All I could think to say was, “Listen here, Zacchaeus. Put some human growth hormone in your own smoothie and go check out the Sycamore trees in city park!”
I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t want me to say that, so I bit my tongue instead. Besides, it’s against the rules to climb the trees.
Finally the smoothie was ready. The garden gnome reached up, and once again loudly announced to the world, “Your Pre-Mama smoothie is ready!”
Oh gee, how nice. My baby and I thank you!